Things you should've learned by middle age...

* If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
* Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
* Going to church/synagogue/mosque doesn't make you religious any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
* It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
* Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
* My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
* Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
* It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
* If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
* Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
* Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
* No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
* A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
* Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
* Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
* Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
* There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
* Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
* By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
* Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
* Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.