Hmmm...

* Do not eat natural foods. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
* Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground silly, it is a valuable plant.
* The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
* There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
* Life is sexually transmitted.
* An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
* Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
* Some people are like Slinkies: not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
* Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
* Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
* Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
* All of us could take a lesson from the weather: it pays no attention to criticism.
* Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
* In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
* Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
* How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
* People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
* People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
* When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too. "Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
* When people say, "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
* When people say, while watching a movie, "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the ceiling?
* People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, didja there buddy?
* When something is "new and improved." Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
* When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over.