Ya... but

Robin Williams
July 21, 1951 – August 11, 2014

Actor/Comedian Robin Williams took his own life yesterday.

He was but 63 years of age.

He won Emmys, Grammys and an Academy Award.

He had family, children and friends.

He also had money.

Some would say he seemingly had it 'all.'

They would be wrong.

It's been said (and ego aside - and, it IS aside), but, the more intelligent one is the less happy one is. Further... the more alone you are. Read up on it here and here.

It's sad but the vast majority of people are ignorant about mental health issues. Scary given recent 'studies' have shown that a staggering 1in4 people suffer from a mental illness.

A blog posting published today at the guardian is both insightful and disturbing.

It comes out hitting in saying "...to say taking your own life because of such an illness is a ‘selfish’ act does nothing but insult the deceased, potentially cause more harm and reveal a staggering ignorance of mental health problems."

Indeed.

One of Williams more oft used quotes is...

I used to think the worst thing in life is to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.
I can totally relate to those words.

A buddy of mine said the following...

I'm having problems with Robin Williams death, for me , it's because it makes sense. I can't say I agree with what he did, but I understand how he got there.
"...but I understand how he got there."

I do indeed.

My second 'attempt' at suicide was at the age of 6.
Yes, you read that right.

'Tried' once, and the idea of suicide is with you every single day.

Every... single... day.

Oh I'm not saying I want to kill myself every minute. But the idea is always there... in the back of one's mind.

And at the age of 51yrs I can't see that changing any time soon.

Twice in my life I'd been hit with what's referred to as a Major Depressive Disorder. Basically... clinically depressed. Namely... characterized by a pervasive and persistent low mood that is accompanied by low self-esteem and by a loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities.

Being adopted (twice) added to the sense of 'not measuring up'... of being 'inadequate.' It is (and has been) a life-long challenge of mine.

Wasn't that long ago that I was fortunate in having a close friend who just 'happened along' when I needed someone. He begged me to check myself in to a crisis unit... and that is exactly what I did. For 13 days I was an in-patient at a local hospital.

Why?

I am in constant physical pain. Not a little ache here and there. Pain at the point where you don't have the energy to get out of bed. That kind of pain. Add to the fact I hadn't been sleeping and... well.

I'm now under the care of a pain specialist, and have my CPAP back... so pain is being 'managed' (and that's really all I can expect), and... I'm sleeping. These two 'small' things have made the difference in my world. Things don't seem unbearable/hopeless any more.

If you know of someone who suffers (in silence or otherwise) reach out to them. Let them know they are not along.

If you feel as if you are at your wits end... if you feel lost, hopeless... alone... suicide is NOT the answer. It's not any answer. Make a call to a family member, a friend... a crisis line in your area... just don't think that it'll all be ok when you're dead.

It's never ok.

I'll leave you with these...

Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don't kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness, people are apt to say, with a note of approval, "He fought so hard." And they are inclined to think, about a suicide, that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is quite wrong. ― Sally Brampton, Shoot The Damn Dog: A Memoir Of Depression

Hide in your shell cos the world is out to bleed you for a ride
What will you gain making your life a little longer?
Heaven or Hell, was the journey cold that gave your eyes of steel?
Shelter behind painting your mind and playing joker
Hide in Your Shell - Supertramp

Read More...

mmm... bacon.

Anyone know what this is?

Or what it represents?

Clearly it is a plate... a clean plate at that.

But what was on it is the topic of this post.

What was on it was 6 strips of bacon, 3 eggs sunny side up, and 2 pieces of toast with butter.

Why post a picture of a clean plate then...

Well it's really not about the plate, is it? It is about the bacon... as the title says.

Here are some interesting bacon statistics;
What these clearly show is that bacon is good for you.
I'm really not saying anything that is new.
Bacon is not to be admired... adored... worshipped... or fondled.

...

Well... maybe worshipped.
Okay... definitely worshipped!

:l

Bacon is meant to be eaten.

Plain and simple.

So get it into ya!
The day just isn't that same without it. Read More...

The finer sex

Alicia being real...

Today the world over celebrates International Women's Day 2014. ... I say the world over but that's really not the case, is it?

On this day women will not only enjoy time with their family's, their lovers... or enjoy a good book, they will also suffer, be raped, killed and brutalized.

I lost my Mom in 2010... I miss her every day.

The picture to the right is of my (soon to be) 22yr old daughter, Alicia Maree. Course, she has a little of me in her... her humour is evident. I asked for a pic of her for this post... else I'd post a duck-face one.

She sent me this.

I think it fitting.

The following is taken from the Wikipedia article.

"International Women's Day, also called International Working Women's Day, is marked on March 8 every year. In different regions the focus of the celebrations ranges from general celebration of respect, appreciation and love towards women to a celebration for women's economic, political, and social achievements. Started as a Socialist political event, the holiday blended in the culture of many countries, primarily in Europe, including Russia. In some regions, the day lost its political flavour, and became simply an occasion for men to express their love for women in a way somewhat similar to a mixture of Mother's Day and Valentine's Day. In other regions, however, the political and human rights theme designated by the United Nations runs strong, and political and social awareness of the struggles of women worldwide are brought out and examined in a hopeful manner. This is a day which some people celebrate by wearing purple ribbons."
Some sobering statistics
* 1.3 women (ages 18 and over) in the United States are forcibly raped each minute. That translates to 78 per hour, 1,871 per day, or 683,000 per year. * 60% of the women who reported being raped were under 18 years old * 29% were less than 11 years old * 32% were between 11 and 17 * 22% were between 18 and 24 * 7% were between 25 and 29 * 6% were older than 29

Number of U.S. troops killed in Afghanistan and Iraq: 6,614:

Number of women, in the same period, killed as the result of domestic violence in the US: 11,766

Number of people per minute who experience intimate partner violence in the U.S.: 24

Number of workplace violence incidents in the U.S. annually that are the result of current or past intimate partner assaults: 18,700

Number of women in the U.S. who report intimate partner violence: 1 in 4

Number of men in the U.S. who report intimate partner violence: 1 in 7*

Number of women who will experience partner violence worldwide: 1 in 3

Order of causes of death for European women ages 16-44: domestic violence, cancer, traffic accidents

Increase in likelihood that a woman will die a violent death if a gun in present in the home: 270 percent

Number of women killed by spouses who were shot by guns kept by men in the home in France and South Africa: 1 in 3

Percentage of the 900 million small arms that are kept in the home, worldwide: 75

Country in which 943 women were killed in honor killings in 2011: Pakistan

City in which man "butchered" his wife in front of their six children in 2012: Berlin

States in which man decapitated his wife with a chainsaw in 2010 and another man did the same, respectively: Texas and New York

Percentages of people killed in the U.S. by an intimate partner: 30 percent of women, 5.3 percent of men.

Number of gay and bisexual men who experience domestic violence in the U.S.: 2 in 5 (similar to heterosexual women)

Percentage of the 31 Senate votes cast against the Violence Against Women Act that came from older, white, male Republicans: 95.8

Percentage of the 31 Senate votes cast against the Violence Against Women Act that came from a younger, male Republicans, at least one of whom sits on the Science Committee but is unable to say how old the Earth is: 4.2

Number of legal, medical, professional, faith-based and advocacy groups that signed a letter protesting the stripped-down VAWA: 300

First year that the Republican-led House of Representatives eroded VAWA of provisions designed to increase protections for Native Americans, immigrant women, members of the LGTBQ community and, yes, men: 2012

Estimated number of children, worldwide, exposed to domestic violence everyday: 10,000,000

Worldwide, likelihood that a man who grew up in a household with domestic violence grows up to be an abuser: 3 to 4 times more likely than if he hadn't.

Chance that a girl of high school age in the U.S. experiences violence in a dating relationship: 1 in 3

Percentage of teen rape and abuse victims who report their assailant as an intimate: 76

Percentage of U.S. cities citing domestic abuse as the primary cause of homelessness: 50

Percentage of homeless women reporting domestic abuse: 63

Percentage of homeless women with children reporting domestic abuse: 92

Percentage of women with disabilities who report violence: 40

Annual cost of domestic violence in the U.S. related to health care: $5.8 billion

Annual cost of domestic violence in the U.S. related to emergency care plus legal costs, police work, lost productivity: 37 billion dollars

Annual number of jobs lost in the U.S. as a result of intimate partner violence: 32,000

Percentage change between 1980 and 2008 of women and men killed by intimate partners in the U.S.: (w) 43 percent to 45 percent; (m) 10 percent to 5 percent

Average cost of emergency care for domestic abuse related incidents for women and men according to the CDC: $948.00 for women, $387 for men

Increase in portrayals of violence against girls and women on network TV during a five year period ending in 2009: 120 percent

The number one cause of death for African American women ages 15-34 according to the American Bar Association: homicide at the hands of a partner

Chance that a lesbian** in the U.S. will experience domestic (not necessarily intimate partner) violence: 50 percent

Chances that a gay man experiences domestic violence: 2 out of 5*

Ratio of women shot and killed by a husband or intimate partner compared to the total number of murders of men by strangers using any time of weapon, from 2002 homicide figures: 3X

Number of people who will be stalked in their lifetimes: 1 in 45 men and 1 in 12 women (broken out: 17 percent of American Indian and Alaska Native women; 8.2 percent of white women, 6.5 pecent of African American women, and 4.5 percent of Asian/Pacific Islander women)

Percentage of stalkers identified as known to victims: 90.3

Percentage of abused women in the U.S. who report being strangled by a spouse in the past year: 33 to 47.3 (this abuse often leaves no physical signs)

According to one study, percentage of domestic abuse victims who are tried to leave after less severe violent and nonviolent instances of abuse: 66 versus less than 25

Average number of times an abuser hits his spouse before she makes a police report: 35

No. 1 and No. 2 causes of women's deaths during pregnancy in the U.S.: Domestic homicide and suicide, often tied to abuse

Number of women killed by spouses who were shot by guns kept by men in the home in the United States: 2 in 3

Percentage of rape and sexual assault victims under the age of 18 who are raped by a family member: 34

Number of women killed everyday in the U.S. by a spouse: 3+

The primary reason cited by right-wing conservatives for objecting to the Violence Against Women Act: To protect the family.

Percentage reduction in reports of violence after men and women in South Africa went through an educational training program on health, domestic violence and gender norms: 55

Number of members of Congress who have gone through an educational training program on health, economics, violence, and gender norms: 0

And those are just statistics from the U.S.
I can't imagine the numbers for the entire world.
It's clear we have a lot of work to do.
Do your part!
Start on this very day... celebrating the finer sex.

Greg Read More...

Desiderata

I'd heard this today, just the first stanza and was taken aback. It was written by Max Ehrmann, an American writer, poet, and attorney.

I share it with you now...

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. 

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. Read More...

On getting old...

John Lennon

There is no denying when your age begins with a 5... you are old.

And so, acutely aware there are more days behind me than ahead, I post here some ramblings and mutterings on the eve of my turning 50.

- there is family and then there is everyone else
- my son and my daughter are THE most important people in my world
- ...if only they could accept that
- gone almost three years now, I miss My Mom
- having morals and ethics does not mean others do as well
- the world is not fair
- staying true to oneself can be exhausting at times
- religion is a delusion
- people are strange, interesting but strange
- most are liars
- women say they want a man but in reality they can only deal with boys
- self deception is a killer
- I will always love a good cup of tea and a cigarette in the morning
- sleep rules
- as does bacon :l
- many confuse volume with toughness
- most are cowards
- ABBA's Dancing Queen is still a good song
- your body really is affected by age
- women are beautiful creatures
- it's a shame most women aren't comfortable with that
- confronting something without being confrontational is possible
- you can have all the money you want, all the toys... but if you're not happy, nothing matters
- hand held devices were supposed to bring us closer together, instead they have simply widened the gap
- I have loved two women in my life... that is twice more than most
- neither of them can deal with that :l
- if you have one true friend consider yourself fortunate
- they can argue all they want, but in the end... women are just as horny as men
- and are just as devious for a piece of tail
- music and the written word make the world go 'round
- some people really don't deserve to live
- there are beautiful random moments in time every single day... you just have to notice them
- bringing laughter to a child's eyes is priceless
- your woman can be a thing of beauty, but if she's not a good person...
- when a man truly loves a woman, it is forever
- other women aren't happy with that
- people define themselves through their misery and suffering
- we should celebrate our similarities instead of pointing out our differences... in the end, we are all worm food
- a woman in knee-high boots will always get my blood pumping
- our world will not improve until we rid it of money and religion
- every man should have at least one hot-towel shave with a straight razor
- it is ok to say no
- preventing a hangover is simple
- curing one is easy. Eat bacon :l
- there's nothing like rough sex in the morning, bad breath and all :l
- the only person capable of understanding oneself is... you.
- it does not matter what others say/feel about you
- it still hurts though
- a harsh truth is preferable to a comfortable lie
- homophobes are uncomfortable with their own sexuality
- Chardonnay over Red
- Wisers over Crown
- Wendys over McDonalds
- Mr Sub over Subway
- Timothys over Timmys
- Swiss Chalet sucks
- Long Live Heavy Metal
- my favourite musicians are my son and daughter
- pot will become legal as soon as gov'ts figure out how to effectively tax it
- there is one thing worse than being hurt... and that is hurting another
- I'm sorry are two of the hardest words for most
- the more intelligent you are the less happy you are
- some of the finest people I know are considered rednecks
- the Leafs... what can I say?
- ignorance is not bliss
- there is evil in this world
- hockey rules
- people are afraid of getting what they want and will do almost anything to destroy their dreams
- sleeping under the stars is awesome
- The 'Head has the best pot around :l
- I will more than likely spend the remainder of my days alone
- the above sucks
- as does smoking
- shoulda gone to the dentist more often
- most people are good people... even if they forget sometimes
- I've known some beautiful women in my day... where has it gotten me?
- once you realize you need nothing, you will have everything
- I miss You more
- the more I'm aware of the less I know
- ...

Read More...

A hippy catches a ride with Owen & Gerry

This is a story of confidence.

A tale of a man who'd been alone so long and whether or not he could remain true to himself when confronted with that which his heart desires.

See, I'd always been one to get 'caught up' in something/someone new. Get lost in them...

So it was with a sense of anticipation that I ventured out in to the 'real world' on my first solo flight since my arrival here in The 'Head in July of 2011. Since I'd been given back something that was taken from me oh so long ago. Since I'd left Toronto and let go of what I needed to. I'd already been tested by the one who first took what was (and is) rightfully mine. I was true to myself then, and knew 'everything' would eventually be ok.

My heart was pounding.

My excitement level was high.

So much so that I awoke at 0333hrs and realized that was all the sleep I was going to get. A cuppa tea, d00b and my last smoke and I wasn't moving anywhere for the next few hours. Lying there, alone... stretched out on the couch, I saw all my hopes and dreams right before me.

There for the taking.

All I had to do was reach for them.

I've been sittin here
Tryin to find myself
I get behind myself
I need to rewind myself
Lookin for the payback
Listen for the playback
They say that every man bleeds just like me
And I feel like number one
Yet I'm last in line
I watch my youngest son
And it helps to pass the time
I take too many pills it helps to ease the pain
I made a couple of dollar bills, but still I feel the same
Everybody knows my name
They say it way out loud
A lot of folks fuck with me
It's hard to hang out in crowds
I guess that's the price you pay
To be the man that I am
Out stretched hands and one night stands
Still I can't find love

(thanks to Kid Rock for the majority of the above)

Getting some of my things together... jumping in the shower, shaving and such.
I'm dressed and it's now... 0600hrs!
Now what?
I've 2 hours to kill and I'm ready to go!
What am I to do?

I revert to that which I do best... sit, ponder and think. Thinking of what it took for me to get to this point in time. Knowing where I wanted to be and exactly how to get there. Hoping... fucking HOPING my time alone was finally at an end.

The shuttle was meeting me at what is referred to as T-Pauls.
Little Pauls really.
It's a PETRO Canada gas station.
I grab my things and begin what I hoped would be the next phase of my 'journey'.
And... it's raining.
It's slushy.
And I got slushed.
Oh well... fitting, really.

I hit T-Pauls at 0800 and I await the shuttles arrival for 0815.
It's 0820 and now I begin to wonder.
With the weather and the poor driving conditions would the shuttle actually arrive?
OMG!
0830 and now I'm freaking!

At 0833hrs the shuttle pulls up and out jumps Bernie.

I settle in and make the phone call I'd so been looking forward to making... that I was on my way.
And... NO ANSWER!!!

Awesome.

With 3 travellers in the shuttle and one stop to make, I decided to pass the time by simply being me.
I was simply going to be true to myself in every single instance... every single person I meet and I would be that which I could only be... Me.
Laughter and good conversation filled my ride.

After our pickup in Barrington, we had only one other stop to make, that being in Liverpool. For a coffee and washroom break. OMG there's a McDonald's... coffee and sausage mcmuffins were it for me. Coffee and sandwiches (ok, I had 2) gone, and then I was there!

I knew I'd be meeting someone at my absolute worst. A mess of hair, ill-fitting clothes and having not been to a dentist in a decade... could I pull it off? Show myself at my worst and yet still have the confidence to be true to myself?

So I thought it only 'fair' that I see you at your worst as well.
If you REALLY want to get to know someone in a short period of time simply have a drink with them and deprive them of sleep. Their true nature will reveal itself in no time. And they won't even know it's happening. All you have to do is sit back, watch and listen.

And that's what I did.

I sat and listened and I heard.

/edit
I'd originally posted two paragraphs with the intent to inform and to give an understanding of what I saw.
Despite there being no hostility, nor was I rude in any way... in the end it could be seen as my being bitter.

That said... I will simply say without communication there is nothing.
/end edit

And so I spent that night on the couch and made plans to leave.

Awakening the next morning I find myself famished.
I hadn't eaten supper the night previous and needed something in my tummy.
I said that I'd like to have one of the leftover slices of pizza from the other night.
As I walked to the kitchen a small voice said to me 'there is bacon'.
I couldn't help but burst out laughing.
OMG... how could you!
To tease me with something so dear as bacon!
Still, I turned it down and had my slice along with a cuppa tea.
Getting my things together I couldn't help but feel cheated.
And yet I also knew, just fucking KNEW... that I was back.
That I knew with absolute certainty what has healthy... and what was not healthy for me.

Saying goodbye and leaving, I was greeted by a kilometre hike... UPHILL!!!

I wanted a pack of smokes. Hadn't had one in a few days.

I'm trudging uphill and am greeted by a young man and his woman carrying ubiquitous plastic shopping bags with a Giant Tiger symbol. And... he was wearing a Leaf hat! A sign! I gave him props for the hat and asked where someone might buy a pack of smokes. He replied Giant Tiger. Having never been in one I thought to myself what the heck kind of store would this be?

I entered and knew I had to buy my smokes and get out in hurry. There was SO MUCH to see I couldn't stay! After getting in line and seeing all those eyes upon me (really, not too many like me in that town before I'm sure), so, again... I was simply me.

Exiting I was hit by a bright light!
Shining down on me like a star in the sky.
...
Not really, but it sounds nice.
No, though it WAS a sign... it was simply a sign indicating food and drink.
I trudged across the street with my 2 bags and entered.

The 'restaurant' was occupied by older couples.
Not a good sign.
Ahha!
There was the bar!
The lights were out and no one was tending bar.
Another bad sign.
The wait staff informed me that the manager at the hotel counter could/would serve me.
So I asked for a double Wisers and was greeted with the question whether I wanted a Budweiser.
Um... no... a whiskey please.
No Wisers, Crown or even CC... I was left with Black Velvet (?)
A double BV it was then... and a Keiths to chase it down.
Grabbing a menu I ordered (tada) bacon... a club and fries... and waited.
OMG... there is free wifi!
Online now and logging in I wondered what was happening in the world in my 'absence'.

The food was served in a timely manner and the staff professional and courteous.
Despite not having my whiskey, they DID have bacon. :l
PROPS to the staff at the hotel at the top of Dominion and High St.

Three and a half hours later (and a couple of refills...) and the shuttle still hadn't arrived.
This was yet another bad sign.

I called and was informed they were but minutes away.
woot woot!

The shuttle finally arrives and it is full.
I'm leaving with a somewhat heavy heart.
Heavy because I am still alone.
Yet I am finally, and completely comfortable with that feeling.

How would the passengers 'deal' with me?
Again, by simply being me all seven passengers joined in what became a lively conversation.
And then... then there was Owen & Gerry.

At first I thought it was the Barenaked Ladies and wasn't all that impressed to be hearing them.
Not a fan really.

But then Owen & Gerry began singing their If I Caught a Million Lobsters...
And I was floored!
Hearing them sing along to the rhythm of the Ladies in a Pubnico drawl totally cracked me up!
As it did everyone else.

The conversation really picked up then.
Where was I from... what was I doing here, etc.

And then... seemingly out of nowhere the driver (Peter) said that he too was raised in Toronto.
Me: Burnhamthorpe and Renforth.
He: Kipling and Dixon.
And it was like OMGIWENTTOSTGREGSOMGIWENTTONATIVITY!!!

What a small, beautiful fucking world we live in.

You ever need a ride around the south shore, call Peter at cloud9 shuttle.

TOLL FREE 1-888-805-3335 or 902-742-3992 CALL NOW!

:l

To the man who was returning home... the quiet lady sitting shotgun... Peter, the mother and her daughter returning from hospital... the grandmother returning home to see her family... and the woman fresh out of rehab returning to her family for the fist time in a year... I thank you.

After pulling up to T-Pauls and disembarking... I said my goodbyes and was greeted with a 'nice to meet you' and a few 'take cares'. To the woman out of rehab, I reached out, put my hand on her arm... looked her right in the eye... and said that she'd be just fine.

Perhaps that was the purpose of my trip afterall?
That someone in their time of darkness... needed a reminder that it would be ok... if they simply believed in themselves.

After grabbing bread and milk I was left with a short walk 'home'.
I thought again of my time there...

Yeah, it's over now
But I can breathe somehow
When it's all worn out
I'd rather go without

My initial instincts were correct.
Aren't they always?
You just have to believe in yourself.

Every day truly is a winding road.
I am back.
Back, bigger and badder than ever before.
You better be ready for Me because I am here, and I am ready.
Bring it on...



If only... Read More...

Heart like a stone

Today is Valentines Day.
Traditionally, the day when couples who ignore each others feelings all year spend a few bucks on a card/flowers/wine/bacon in the hopes their ignorance and selfishness is forgotten the remainder of the year.
If only these couples would share/respect each others feelings every day of the year.
If you don't feel it to the depths of your very soul then why are you together?
So, a Happy IONLYCAREABOUTYOUWHENITSCONVENIENT Day.
If you do it right, you may even get sex.
Now, isn't that special?



...meh. Read More...

Fresh ink... FINALLY!

It's been near twenty years now since I'd last gotten new ink.

Why so long?

Really, I'd no idea how to complete the last one. I didn't have the answers... the knowledge of the lessons learned.

Until I met you.

It was you who helped me grow, and learn from the past.

It was then I knew how to complete the tat' that I'd left unfinished.

Thank you.

And here it is...

One to put it in, and one to remove it.

And what had I learned from it all?

Just Be.

Another tat already done, with 4 others next month. Read More...

Fresh Ink...

It's been, well, I won't say exactly HOW long it's been but it's been a while.
:l
Perhaps it was a matter of waiting for something to happen.
My left arm felt incomplete (despite the steel plate).
...

<RANDOM - oh, ya... and you look SO happy > *chuckle*

Part 2 & 3 are now ready to go, app't made.
I figure it's about time.

Pics to follow. Read More...

Just Be

I simply had to post this.

“Do not think that enlightenment is going to make you special, it’s not. If you feel special in any way, then enlightenment has not occurred. I meet a lot of people who think they are enlightened and awake simply because they have had a ver...y moving spiritual experience. They wear their enlightenment on their sleeve like a badge of honor. They sit among friends and talk about how awake they are while sipping coffee at a cafe. The funny thing about enlightenment is that when it is authentic, there is no one to claim it. Enlightenment is very ordinary; it is nothing special. Rather than making you more special, it is going to make you less special. It plants you right in the center of a wonderful humility and innocence. Everyone else may or may not call you enlightened, but when you are enlightened, the many concepts of enlightenment is a big joke. I use the word enlightenment all the time; not to point you toward it but to point you beyond it. Do not get stuck in the idea of enlightenment.

Enlightenment is a destructive process. It has nothing to do with becoming better or being happier.

Enlightenment is the crumbling away of untruth. It's seeing through the facade of pretence. It's the complete eradication of everything we imagined to be true.

Enlightenment is, in the end, nothing more than the natural state of being.”

Adyashanti Read More...

I hope you die...

I was told that today. Told that by someone whom I believed to be my best friend. It crushed me because it came out of left field (as things with her usually do). My love for you goes without saying... and 40mins later I am wished dead. Can someone, anyone... please explain this to me? Because I'm having a really hard time with this...

Goodbye My Love... sure it won't be long before you get your wish.
Though, I wish you and yours nothing but the best, as always.

...

On other issues... four days to go. Read More...

Un-frosted flakes...

"People so seldom say I love you and then it's either too late or love goes. So when I tell you I Love You, it doesn't mean I know you'll never go, only that I wish you didn't have to."

World English Dictionary defines 'flake' as an eccentric, crazy, or unreliable person. Whereas Urban Dictionary.com defines it as 'A useless, shady, deceitful person who is so unreliable and selfish they cause you much anger and frustration. A Flake's only agenda is what they want to do. They have a weak character, often the products of bad parenting/spoiling kids. A Flake will make plans, never attend, and give no reason for their absence, even after they spent hours calling, texting, or emailing you. Flakes try to manipulate everybody, and sometimes are not the idiots they appear to be. A Flake often has little to no real friends due to their erratic behavior. You can never rely on a Flake. When questioned about their behavior, a Flake just gives up on the relationship and moves on to another person. Flakes can't get by in the real world and often act immature beyond their years, causing them to be labeled as "useless" human beings.'

An example would be;

This girl called 15 times in one day and we decided to go out that night with some other friends. She arrives at the our meeting point, walks right by me like she doesn't know me, sits down with somebody else, and then proceeds to leave with them. Then, she stops answering her phone even though I know she sees my calls. A week or so later, she calls me again because she has nobody else to hang out with and wants to do something. However, she avoided all my phone calls for a week. Then she got mad when I confronted her about it. That's when I understood why people used to tell me she was "a useless flake" who still lives at home with her parents. When she was mentioned in a conversation someone always used the word "flake" in there somewhere.

Or how about something a little more personal;

We'd spent the entire weekend together. On the Sunday she says she's gonna drop by her friends place, but not for long, no more than 90mins or so. Course, 2hrs goes by and a txt is sent saying I'm on my way, cya soon. Shortly thereafter one is received saying no, not yet, that more time was needed. As she describes this friend as her cross-dressing-faggot-loser-friend-don't call me Roy call me Ang, I get a little suspicious. I never hear from her again that night. Ignores my calls, no response to my txt's. A txt is received the next morning saying she is stopping by on her way to work to grab her things...

The road was hard, the road was long. The struggle has always been how to reconcile our time together against our time apart.

In the end, in giving her one last opportunity she didn't surprise me in the least. And now I know with absolute certainty what a flake really is.

And that lesson I'll be carrying with me the remainder of my days.

'It was always mine anyways.'

Doesn't make this any less painful...

Sit down, take a look at yourself
Don't you want to be somebody
Someday somebody's gonna see inside
You have to face up, you can't run and hide...

Will you though?
Can you?

No, I finally accept that you cannot and that you are truly a lost soul.

I weep for your soul...

Read More...

Done!

With the countdown now less than 20 days, I've been 'sorting' thru sh*t. This weekend passed was probably the hardest of all. I'm glad it's over with now, and can finally be at peace.

Even if, as it now looks, we will never speak again.

Goodbye, My Love. xx Read More...

Simply because...

I love you and because I love you I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies. Read More...

She taught me how to dance...

Though the river flows
Gently to the sea
He was on the shore
Rooted like a tree
...
Though not anymore...
And for that I Will Always Love You.

Even if we never speak again...

Read More...

Always... NO MATTER WHAT

It's funny, but, as time goes on (nearing 2yrs now), a call/txt will go out to the other and we each will be there. It matters not the time of day/night, where you/I are, How long it's been since we've spoken... we each are there for the other.

There is random and then there is serendipity... fate... destiny.

Ask My Love, and I am there for you.

We simply need each other.

And what you ask of me;
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
As always...

Maybe we should stop looking for a reason and begin accepting that we simply are.

All you did was save my life.
And all I ask of you is to Just Breathe...

Read More...

A swing and a...

Sometimes when we reach out for someone they shut us down.
Othertimes... worse. We're ignored and abandoned.
Sometimes however when we reach out for someone, they embrace us.
Sometimes who these people are surprise you.
And you will never, ever forget them for it.

Thank-you. Read More...

Hey...

The B.S. Meter

 
I know we don't speak anymore, but, I just want to thank-you for helping me fine-tune my Bulls**t meter. Seems it's something I'll always need, unfortunately.

Love ya girl! Read More...

Time for a change.

Notice the new quote (over on the left there...);

We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.

I've found that the older I get the fewer people there are in my world.
I now know its simply because I've defined what it is that's important to me.
Not an easy thing to do.
When the kids came to live with me, I stopped dating. Didn't want to continually explain why so-so wasn't going to meet my kids. And there was no way I was gonna bring just anyone around (learned that lesson, thanks).
Now that doesn't matter anymore, Brad is 22 and Ali 19.

So, the past couple of years I began dating again.

WTF HAPPENED TO THE SCENE?

Is everyone crazy?

Are all women flakes?
Wrapped up in their self-imposed misery, unable to stand on their own two feet?

Seriously...

What's happened to people?

A reminder of the words of Jim Morrison;

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.

and;

That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is. Most people love you for who you pretend to be. To keep their love, you keep pretending - performing. You get to love your pretense. It's true, we're locked in an image, an act - and the sad thing is, people get so used to their image, they grow attached to their masks. They love their chains. They forget all about who they really are. And if you try to remind them, they hate you for it, they feel like you're trying to steal their most precious possession.

and;

The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can't be any large-scale revolution until there's a personal revolution, on an individual level. It's got to happen inside first.

Have we forgotten what it is to be happy?
Are we content chasing 'things' and being compliant little consumers that we neglect that which is most important to us?
Do you not tire of trying to fit someone into a little box that will make everything just 'so'?

Remember that little racing of the heart... the I can't wait 'til they call feeling... that knowingness...

Find it.
Hold on to it.
Cherish it.
Remind your one of how special they are to you.

And never let them forget.

Perhaps one day, for me... Read More...

Simply put...

Forgive someone today.

Is in awe of what forgiving someone can do for the soul. Read More...