Ya... but

Robin Williams
July 21, 1951 – August 11, 2014

Actor/Comedian Robin Williams took his own life yesterday.

He was but 63 years of age.

He won Emmys, Grammys and an Academy Award.

He had family, children and friends.

He also had money.

Some would say he seemingly had it 'all.'

They would be wrong.

It's been said (and ego aside - and, it IS aside), but, the more intelligent one is the less happy one is. Further... the more alone you are. Read up on it here and here.

It's sad but the vast majority of people are ignorant about mental health issues. Scary given recent 'studies' have shown that a staggering 1in4 people suffer from a mental illness.

A blog posting published today at the guardian is both insightful and disturbing.

It comes out hitting in saying "...to say taking your own life because of such an illness is a ‘selfish’ act does nothing but insult the deceased, potentially cause more harm and reveal a staggering ignorance of mental health problems."

Indeed.

One of Williams more oft used quotes is...

I used to think the worst thing in life is to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.
I can totally relate to those words.

A buddy of mine said the following...

I'm having problems with Robin Williams death, for me , it's because it makes sense. I can't say I agree with what he did, but I understand how he got there.
"...but I understand how he got there."

I do indeed.

My second 'attempt' at suicide was at the age of 6.
Yes, you read that right.

'Tried' once, and the idea of suicide is with you every single day.

Every... single... day.

Oh I'm not saying I want to kill myself every minute. But the idea is always there... in the back of one's mind.

And at the age of 51yrs I can't see that changing any time soon.

Twice in my life I'd been hit with what's referred to as a Major Depressive Disorder. Basically... clinically depressed. Namely... characterized by a pervasive and persistent low mood that is accompanied by low self-esteem and by a loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities.

Being adopted (twice) added to the sense of 'not measuring up'... of being 'inadequate.' It is (and has been) a life-long challenge of mine.

Wasn't that long ago that I was fortunate in having a close friend who just 'happened along' when I needed someone. He begged me to check myself in to a crisis unit... and that is exactly what I did. For 13 days I was an in-patient at a local hospital.

Why?

I am in constant physical pain. Not a little ache here and there. Pain at the point where you don't have the energy to get out of bed. That kind of pain. Add to the fact I hadn't been sleeping and... well.

I'm now under the care of a pain specialist, and have my CPAP back... so pain is being 'managed' (and that's really all I can expect), and... I'm sleeping. These two 'small' things have made the difference in my world. Things don't seem unbearable/hopeless any more.

If you know of someone who suffers (in silence or otherwise) reach out to them. Let them know they are not along.

If you feel as if you are at your wits end... if you feel lost, hopeless... alone... suicide is NOT the answer. It's not any answer. Make a call to a family member, a friend... a crisis line in your area... just don't think that it'll all be ok when you're dead.

It's never ok.

I'll leave you with these...

Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don't kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness, people are apt to say, with a note of approval, "He fought so hard." And they are inclined to think, about a suicide, that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is quite wrong. ― Sally Brampton, Shoot The Damn Dog: A Memoir Of Depression

Hide in your shell cos the world is out to bleed you for a ride
What will you gain making your life a little longer?
Heaven or Hell, was the journey cold that gave your eyes of steel?
Shelter behind painting your mind and playing joker
Hide in Your Shell - Supertramp

Read More...

Smoking... (Part 364)

The Evil Tobacco

For a change... I bought coffee instead of tea.

Instant coffee mind you... but coffee nonetheless.

As a life long drinker of Red Rose Orange Pekoe, for me buying coffee was not an easy decision.
Tea needs to be in a porcelain or glass mug, and not a styrofoam or paper cup. This won't happen when you're out of the house. So I have coffee... Mickey Dee's over Timmy's... Timothy's over Mickey Dee's. Fortunately... all three are within walking distance of home.

Sooo... I'm sitting here, having finished a bagel (with sliced cheese), having my coffee, and smoking what is my one of my last cigarettes.
My 'plan' is to take to The Boardwalk this afternoon, burn this 1/2 d00b, and enjoy what I want to be my LAST cigarette.

Should the rain hold off, of course.

Having spent nearly a year in the wilds of Northern Alberta I can say that I was absolutely looking forward to a Toronto summer.

Hasn't happened yet.
One can 'hope', right?

Since the age of 13, smoking has always held a challenge for me. See, I differentiate between the act of smoking and 'smoking' itself. I can enjoy a cigarette, but I do not like smoking.

That's right, there is a difference.

You see it now, don't you?
You're welcome.

Over the years I have successfully quit. Though I'd started again... I have to admit that I wasn't entirely 'successful'... While I've always viewed stopping/quitting smoking as a relatively simple endeavour (notice I said simple... not easy), the challenge has been in not starting again.

There are just so many occasions where a cigarette compliments an event.
A good dinner...
Fine glass if wine...

Bacon.

A fine woman.
...
*cough*
:l

A great d00b and a double Wisers.

You get the idea.

And that is where I'm 'at' today.
...
The longest I've gone without a cigarette is a little over two years.
I was in my early 30's at the time.
It was shortly after my divorce.
I'd also stopped for 14 months in my mid-40's.
Course, I also decided I wasn't going to exercise, but that I'd eat my way to health instead.

That didn't exactly work out all too well.

:l

I said I'd wanted to finally eradicate this menace once and for all by the time I hit the age of 50.
I'm now a little past 51.

That too hasn't exactly worked out either.

BUT THIS TIME!!!

This time will be different.
Be gone with you evil tobacco!

Be gone with you!

Leave the d00bs though eh.

And the bacon... and the Wisers... well, you get the idea here too.

I want to succeed.

Finally.

All I can ask is that you wish me well.

As I wish you. Read More...

and in the end...

As 2013 draws to a close, I can't help think of the year gone by. It was quite an adventure. After four total days of travel from Nova Scotia and 5300km I found myself in Fort McMurray, Alberta.

And after 20 consecutive days in the -30s I think it time to leave for Ontario... home.

When you factor in the cost of living and the weather (OMG), in the end, for me... it is simply not worth it.

It is simply a young mans town.

And so this Thursday... 53hrs from now, I am off.

Will I return? I dunno... We'll see what the New Year brings.

With that, I wish everyone a Happy 2014.

All the best to you and yours!

Greg Read More...

On getting old...

John Lennon

There is no denying when your age begins with a 5... you are old.

And so, acutely aware there are more days behind me than ahead, I post here some ramblings and mutterings on the eve of my turning 50.

- there is family and then there is everyone else
- my son and my daughter are THE most important people in my world
- ...if only they could accept that
- gone almost three years now, I miss My Mom
- having morals and ethics does not mean others do as well
- the world is not fair
- staying true to oneself can be exhausting at times
- religion is a delusion
- people are strange, interesting but strange
- most are liars
- women say they want a man but in reality they can only deal with boys
- self deception is a killer
- I will always love a good cup of tea and a cigarette in the morning
- sleep rules
- as does bacon :l
- many confuse volume with toughness
- most are cowards
- ABBA's Dancing Queen is still a good song
- your body really is affected by age
- women are beautiful creatures
- it's a shame most women aren't comfortable with that
- confronting something without being confrontational is possible
- you can have all the money you want, all the toys... but if you're not happy, nothing matters
- hand held devices were supposed to bring us closer together, instead they have simply widened the gap
- I have loved two women in my life... that is twice more than most
- neither of them can deal with that :l
- if you have one true friend consider yourself fortunate
- they can argue all they want, but in the end... women are just as horny as men
- and are just as devious for a piece of tail
- music and the written word make the world go 'round
- some people really don't deserve to live
- there are beautiful random moments in time every single day... you just have to notice them
- bringing laughter to a child's eyes is priceless
- your woman can be a thing of beauty, but if she's not a good person...
- when a man truly loves a woman, it is forever
- other women aren't happy with that
- people define themselves through their misery and suffering
- we should celebrate our similarities instead of pointing out our differences... in the end, we are all worm food
- a woman in knee-high boots will always get my blood pumping
- our world will not improve until we rid it of money and religion
- every man should have at least one hot-towel shave with a straight razor
- it is ok to say no
- preventing a hangover is simple
- curing one is easy. Eat bacon :l
- there's nothing like rough sex in the morning, bad breath and all :l
- the only person capable of understanding oneself is... you.
- it does not matter what others say/feel about you
- it still hurts though
- a harsh truth is preferable to a comfortable lie
- homophobes are uncomfortable with their own sexuality
- Chardonnay over Red
- Wisers over Crown
- Wendys over McDonalds
- Mr Sub over Subway
- Timothys over Timmys
- Swiss Chalet sucks
- Long Live Heavy Metal
- my favourite musicians are my son and daughter
- pot will become legal as soon as gov'ts figure out how to effectively tax it
- there is one thing worse than being hurt... and that is hurting another
- I'm sorry are two of the hardest words for most
- the more intelligent you are the less happy you are
- some of the finest people I know are considered rednecks
- the Leafs... what can I say?
- ignorance is not bliss
- there is evil in this world
- hockey rules
- people are afraid of getting what they want and will do almost anything to destroy their dreams
- sleeping under the stars is awesome
- The 'Head has the best pot around :l
- I will more than likely spend the remainder of my days alone
- the above sucks
- as does smoking
- shoulda gone to the dentist more often
- most people are good people... even if they forget sometimes
- I've known some beautiful women in my day... where has it gotten me?
- once you realize you need nothing, you will have everything
- I miss You more
- the more I'm aware of the less I know
- ...

Read More...

A hippy catches a ride with Owen & Gerry

This is a story of confidence.

A tale of a man who'd been alone so long and whether or not he could remain true to himself when confronted with that which his heart desires.

See, I'd always been one to get 'caught up' in something/someone new. Get lost in them...

So it was with a sense of anticipation that I ventured out in to the 'real world' on my first solo flight since my arrival here in The 'Head in July of 2011. Since I'd been given back something that was taken from me oh so long ago. Since I'd left Toronto and let go of what I needed to. I'd already been tested by the one who first took what was (and is) rightfully mine. I was true to myself then, and knew 'everything' would eventually be ok.

My heart was pounding.

My excitement level was high.

So much so that I awoke at 0333hrs and realized that was all the sleep I was going to get. A cuppa tea, d00b and my last smoke and I wasn't moving anywhere for the next few hours. Lying there, alone... stretched out on the couch, I saw all my hopes and dreams right before me.

There for the taking.

All I had to do was reach for them.

I've been sittin here
Tryin to find myself
I get behind myself
I need to rewind myself
Lookin for the payback
Listen for the playback
They say that every man bleeds just like me
And I feel like number one
Yet I'm last in line
I watch my youngest son
And it helps to pass the time
I take too many pills it helps to ease the pain
I made a couple of dollar bills, but still I feel the same
Everybody knows my name
They say it way out loud
A lot of folks fuck with me
It's hard to hang out in crowds
I guess that's the price you pay
To be the man that I am
Out stretched hands and one night stands
Still I can't find love

(thanks to Kid Rock for the majority of the above)

Getting some of my things together... jumping in the shower, shaving and such.
I'm dressed and it's now... 0600hrs!
Now what?
I've 2 hours to kill and I'm ready to go!
What am I to do?

I revert to that which I do best... sit, ponder and think. Thinking of what it took for me to get to this point in time. Knowing where I wanted to be and exactly how to get there. Hoping... fucking HOPING my time alone was finally at an end.

The shuttle was meeting me at what is referred to as T-Pauls.
Little Pauls really.
It's a PETRO Canada gas station.
I grab my things and begin what I hoped would be the next phase of my 'journey'.
And... it's raining.
It's slushy.
And I got slushed.
Oh well... fitting, really.

I hit T-Pauls at 0800 and I await the shuttles arrival for 0815.
It's 0820 and now I begin to wonder.
With the weather and the poor driving conditions would the shuttle actually arrive?
OMG!
0830 and now I'm freaking!

At 0833hrs the shuttle pulls up and out jumps Bernie.

I settle in and make the phone call I'd so been looking forward to making... that I was on my way.
And... NO ANSWER!!!

Awesome.

With 3 travellers in the shuttle and one stop to make, I decided to pass the time by simply being me.
I was simply going to be true to myself in every single instance... every single person I meet and I would be that which I could only be... Me.
Laughter and good conversation filled my ride.

After our pickup in Barrington, we had only one other stop to make, that being in Liverpool. For a coffee and washroom break. OMG there's a McDonald's... coffee and sausage mcmuffins were it for me. Coffee and sandwiches (ok, I had 2) gone, and then I was there!

I knew I'd be meeting someone at my absolute worst. A mess of hair, ill-fitting clothes and having not been to a dentist in a decade... could I pull it off? Show myself at my worst and yet still have the confidence to be true to myself?

So I thought it only 'fair' that I see you at your worst as well.
If you REALLY want to get to know someone in a short period of time simply have a drink with them and deprive them of sleep. Their true nature will reveal itself in no time. And they won't even know it's happening. All you have to do is sit back, watch and listen.

And that's what I did.

I sat and listened and I heard.

/edit
I'd originally posted two paragraphs with the intent to inform and to give an understanding of what I saw.
Despite there being no hostility, nor was I rude in any way... in the end it could be seen as my being bitter.

That said... I will simply say without communication there is nothing.
/end edit

And so I spent that night on the couch and made plans to leave.

Awakening the next morning I find myself famished.
I hadn't eaten supper the night previous and needed something in my tummy.
I said that I'd like to have one of the leftover slices of pizza from the other night.
As I walked to the kitchen a small voice said to me 'there is bacon'.
I couldn't help but burst out laughing.
OMG... how could you!
To tease me with something so dear as bacon!
Still, I turned it down and had my slice along with a cuppa tea.
Getting my things together I couldn't help but feel cheated.
And yet I also knew, just fucking KNEW... that I was back.
That I knew with absolute certainty what has healthy... and what was not healthy for me.

Saying goodbye and leaving, I was greeted by a kilometre hike... UPHILL!!!

I wanted a pack of smokes. Hadn't had one in a few days.

I'm trudging uphill and am greeted by a young man and his woman carrying ubiquitous plastic shopping bags with a Giant Tiger symbol. And... he was wearing a Leaf hat! A sign! I gave him props for the hat and asked where someone might buy a pack of smokes. He replied Giant Tiger. Having never been in one I thought to myself what the heck kind of store would this be?

I entered and knew I had to buy my smokes and get out in hurry. There was SO MUCH to see I couldn't stay! After getting in line and seeing all those eyes upon me (really, not too many like me in that town before I'm sure), so, again... I was simply me.

Exiting I was hit by a bright light!
Shining down on me like a star in the sky.
...
Not really, but it sounds nice.
No, though it WAS a sign... it was simply a sign indicating food and drink.
I trudged across the street with my 2 bags and entered.

The 'restaurant' was occupied by older couples.
Not a good sign.
Ahha!
There was the bar!
The lights were out and no one was tending bar.
Another bad sign.
The wait staff informed me that the manager at the hotel counter could/would serve me.
So I asked for a double Wisers and was greeted with the question whether I wanted a Budweiser.
Um... no... a whiskey please.
No Wisers, Crown or even CC... I was left with Black Velvet (?)
A double BV it was then... and a Keiths to chase it down.
Grabbing a menu I ordered (tada) bacon... a club and fries... and waited.
OMG... there is free wifi!
Online now and logging in I wondered what was happening in the world in my 'absence'.

The food was served in a timely manner and the staff professional and courteous.
Despite not having my whiskey, they DID have bacon. :l
PROPS to the staff at the hotel at the top of Dominion and High St.

Three and a half hours later (and a couple of refills...) and the shuttle still hadn't arrived.
This was yet another bad sign.

I called and was informed they were but minutes away.
woot woot!

The shuttle finally arrives and it is full.
I'm leaving with a somewhat heavy heart.
Heavy because I am still alone.
Yet I am finally, and completely comfortable with that feeling.

How would the passengers 'deal' with me?
Again, by simply being me all seven passengers joined in what became a lively conversation.
And then... then there was Owen & Gerry.

At first I thought it was the Barenaked Ladies and wasn't all that impressed to be hearing them.
Not a fan really.

But then Owen & Gerry began singing their If I Caught a Million Lobsters...
And I was floored!
Hearing them sing along to the rhythm of the Ladies in a Pubnico drawl totally cracked me up!
As it did everyone else.

The conversation really picked up then.
Where was I from... what was I doing here, etc.

And then... seemingly out of nowhere the driver (Peter) said that he too was raised in Toronto.
Me: Burnhamthorpe and Renforth.
He: Kipling and Dixon.
And it was like OMGIWENTTOSTGREGSOMGIWENTTONATIVITY!!!

What a small, beautiful fucking world we live in.

You ever need a ride around the south shore, call Peter at cloud9 shuttle.

TOLL FREE 1-888-805-3335 or 902-742-3992 CALL NOW!

:l

To the man who was returning home... the quiet lady sitting shotgun... Peter, the mother and her daughter returning from hospital... the grandmother returning home to see her family... and the woman fresh out of rehab returning to her family for the fist time in a year... I thank you.

After pulling up to T-Pauls and disembarking... I said my goodbyes and was greeted with a 'nice to meet you' and a few 'take cares'. To the woman out of rehab, I reached out, put my hand on her arm... looked her right in the eye... and said that she'd be just fine.

Perhaps that was the purpose of my trip afterall?
That someone in their time of darkness... needed a reminder that it would be ok... if they simply believed in themselves.

After grabbing bread and milk I was left with a short walk 'home'.
I thought again of my time there...

Yeah, it's over now
But I can breathe somehow
When it's all worn out
I'd rather go without

My initial instincts were correct.
Aren't they always?
You just have to believe in yourself.

Every day truly is a winding road.
I am back.
Back, bigger and badder than ever before.
You better be ready for Me because I am here, and I am ready.
Bring it on...



If only... Read More...

It just had to be done...

The difference between giving up and letting go. Giving up is sacrificing what was rightfully yours, letting go is forgetting what was never yours.



Yeah, it's over now
But I can breathe somehow
When it's all worn out
I'd rather go without

You know its been on my mind
Could you stand right there
Look me straight in the eye and say
That it's over now

We pay our debt sometime

Well it's over now
Yet I can see somehow
When its all gone wrong
It's hard to be so strong

You know its been on my mind
Could you stand right there
Look me straight in the eye and say
That it's over now

We pay our debt sometime
We pay our debt sometime
We pay our debt sometime
We pay our debt sometime

Guess it's over now
I seem alive somehow
When it's out of sight
Just wait and do your time

You know its been on my mind
Could I stand right here
Look myself in the eye and say
That it's over now

We pay our debt sometime
Yeah, we pay our debt sometime
We pay our debt sometime
We pay our debt sometime Read More...