Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
2014-08-14
2014-08-12
Ya... but
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| Robin Williams July 21, 1951 – August 11, 2014 |
He was but 63 years of age.
He won Emmys, Grammys and an Academy Award.
He had family, children and friends.
He also had money.
Some would say he seemingly had it 'all.'
They would be wrong.
It's been said (and ego aside - and, it IS aside), but, the more intelligent one is the less happy one is. Further... the more alone you are. Read up on it here and here.
It's sad but the vast majority of people are ignorant about mental health issues. Scary given recent 'studies' have shown that a staggering 1in4 people suffer from a mental illness.
A blog posting published today at the guardian is both insightful and disturbing.
It comes out hitting in saying "...to say taking your own life because of such an illness is a ‘selfish’ act does nothing but insult the deceased, potentially cause more harm and reveal a staggering ignorance of mental health problems."
Indeed.
One of Williams more oft used quotes is...
I can totally relate to those words.
A buddy of mine said the following...
"...but I understand how he got there."
I do indeed.
My second 'attempt' at suicide was at the age of 6.
Yes, you read that right.
'Tried' once, and the idea of suicide is with you every single day.
Every... single... day.
Oh I'm not saying I want to kill myself every minute. But the idea is always there... in the back of one's mind.
And at the age of 51yrs I can't see that changing any time soon.
Twice in my life I'd been hit with what's referred to as a Major Depressive Disorder. Basically... clinically depressed. Namely... characterized by a pervasive and persistent low mood that is accompanied by low self-esteem and by a loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities.
Being adopted (twice) added to the sense of 'not measuring up'... of being 'inadequate.' It is (and has been) a life-long challenge of mine.
Wasn't that long ago that I was fortunate in having a close friend who just 'happened along' when I needed someone. He begged me to check myself in to a crisis unit... and that is exactly what I did. For 13 days I was an in-patient at a local hospital.
Why?
I am in constant physical pain. Not a little ache here and there. Pain at the point where you don't have the energy to get out of bed. That kind of pain. Add to the fact I hadn't been sleeping and... well.
I'm now under the care of a pain specialist, and have my CPAP back... so pain is being 'managed' (and that's really all I can expect), and... I'm sleeping. These two 'small' things have made the difference in my world. Things don't seem unbearable/hopeless any more.
If you know of someone who suffers (in silence or otherwise) reach out to them. Let them know they are not along.
If you feel as if you are at your wits end... if you feel lost, hopeless... alone... suicide is NOT the answer. It's not any answer. Make a call to a family member, a friend... a crisis line in your area... just don't think that it'll all be ok when you're dead.
It's never ok.
I'll leave you with these...
What will you gain making your life a little longer?
Heaven or Hell, was the journey cold that gave your eyes of steel?
Shelter behind painting your mind and playing joker
Hide in Your Shell - Supertramp
Read More...
2014-03-13
mmm... bacon.
Or what it represents?
Clearly it is a plate... a clean plate at that.
But what was on it is the topic of this post.
What was on it was 6 strips of bacon, 3 eggs sunny side up, and 2 pieces of toast with butter.
Why post a picture of a clean plate then...
Well it's really not about the plate, is it? It is about the bacon... as the title says.
 |  |
I'm really not saying anything that is new.
Bacon is not to be admired... adored... worshipped... or fondled.
...
Well... maybe worshipped.
Okay... definitely worshipped!
:l
Bacon is meant to be eaten.
Plain and simple.
So get it into ya!
The day just isn't that same without it. Read More...
2013-07-10
2013-06-15
oooo... dats scareeee!
Was reminded of the count the other day and thought he'd look better with bacon.
I was right.
Just had to. :l
Read More...
I was right.
Just had to. :l
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| SCTV's Count Floyd |
2013-04-07
On getting old...
 | |
| John Lennon |
And so, acutely aware there are more days behind me than ahead, I post here some ramblings and mutterings on the eve of my turning 50.
- there is family and then there is everyone else
- my son and my daughter are THE most important people in my world
- ...if only they could accept that
- gone almost three years now, I miss My Mom
- having morals and ethics does not mean others do as well
- the world is not fair
- staying true to oneself can be exhausting at times
- religion is a delusion
- people are strange, interesting but strange
- most are liars
- women say they want a man but in reality they can only deal with boys
- self deception is a killer
- I will always love a good cup of tea and a cigarette in the morning
- sleep rules
- as does bacon :l
- many confuse volume with toughness
- most are cowards
- ABBA's Dancing Queen is still a good song
- your body really is affected by age
- women are beautiful creatures
- it's a shame most women aren't comfortable with that
- confronting something without being confrontational is possible
- you can have all the money you want, all the toys... but if you're not happy, nothing matters
- hand held devices were supposed to bring us closer together, instead they have simply widened the gap
- I have loved two women in my life... that is twice more than most
- neither of them can deal with that :l
- if you have one true friend consider yourself fortunate
- they can argue all they want, but in the end... women are just as horny as men
- and are just as devious for a piece of tail
- music and the written word make the world go 'round
- some people really don't deserve to live
- there are beautiful random moments in time every single day... you just have to notice them
- bringing laughter to a child's eyes is priceless
- your woman can be a thing of beauty, but if she's not a good person...
- when a man truly loves a woman, it is forever
- other women aren't happy with that
- people define themselves through their misery and suffering
- we should celebrate our similarities instead of pointing out our differences... in the end, we are all worm food
- a woman in knee-high boots will always get my blood pumping
- our world will not improve until we rid it of money and religion
- every man should have at least one hot-towel shave with a straight razor
- it is ok to say no
- preventing a hangover is simple
- curing one is easy. Eat bacon :l
- there's nothing like rough sex in the morning, bad breath and all :l
- the only person capable of understanding oneself is... you.
- it does not matter what others say/feel about you
- it still hurts though
- a harsh truth is preferable to a comfortable lie
- homophobes are uncomfortable with their own sexuality
- Chardonnay over Red
- Wisers over Crown
- Wendys over McDonalds
- Mr Sub over Subway
- Timothys over Timmys
- Swiss Chalet sucks
- Long Live Heavy Metal
- my favourite musicians are my son and daughter
- pot will become legal as soon as gov'ts figure out how to effectively tax it
- there is one thing worse than being hurt... and that is hurting another
- I'm sorry are two of the hardest words for most
- the more intelligent you are the less happy you are
- some of the finest people I know are considered rednecks
- the Leafs... what can I say?
- ignorance is not bliss
- there is evil in this world
- hockey rules
- people are afraid of getting what they want and will do almost anything to destroy their dreams
- sleeping under the stars is awesome
- The 'Head has the best pot around :l
- I will more than likely spend the remainder of my days alone
- the above sucks
- as does smoking
- shoulda gone to the dentist more often
- most people are good people... even if they forget sometimes
- I've known some beautiful women in my day... where has it gotten me?
- once you realize you need nothing, you will have everything
- I miss You more
- the more I'm aware of the less I know
- ...
Read More...
2011-10-29
Everything happens for a reason.
Those words were said to me again, just last night.There are 3 young people 'round Brad and Ali's age living above me and Thursday one of them (Sam) knocked on my door 'asking' (I kid thee not) if I wouldn't mind him having a birthday party the next day (Friday). He was turning twenty, and said I should drop up for a beer and such.! Now, 20 is a big birthday, so I thanked him for politely asking me, and said I'd come by.
So, that's exactly what I did.
After a coupla games of poker/pool (and such), I got the munchies and went home.
Brought up a few beer and walked in to an ongoing kitchen party.
I like kitchen parties and this one was no different.
Blah blah blah...
Yadda yadda yadda...
Swap a yarn here and there and I find out that only Sam's Grandmother had sung him Happy Birthday.
Of course I could not allow this to pass, so...
After getting the attention of everyone (now 30 people or so) there *ahem*... I led them in a rousing edition of the traditional Birthday greeting.
:l
Did I mention that Sam's good friend is the young man who picked me up hitch-hiking on the final leg of my journey just outside of Yarmouth?
I KNOW EH!
Just leaving Thursday and I hear "you've been living downstairs the whole time?"
I'm like wtf!
I know this guy, but from where?
He's sittin in his car and he mentions the burn mark on his seat and it clicks.
OMG this is the Benjamin!
Too funny.
We agree to speak at the party.
To the party... and he's grilling me on a variety of subjects, as are a lot there. Some know Brad (some Alicia).
I stand out in a crowd and the party is no different.
Good conversation and laughter is had by all.
Thanks for the ride.
I leave after 'bout an hour and I realized that yet again I had just had another good day and I thought you should know that.
Read More...
2011-06-15
2011-05-26
Astrology... an alternative view.
ARIES
(March 2 - April 20)
You are the pioneer and hold most of people in contempt. You are quick tempered and impatient and scornful of Advice. You are a prick.
TAURUS
(April 21 - May 21)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a Goddamn Communist.
GEMINI
(May 22 - June 21)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bas'tard. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest.
CANCER
(June 22 - July 23)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples' problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and never be worth shit.
LEO
(July 24 - August 23)
You consider yourself a born leader, Others think you are pushy. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting, Leo people are thriving bas'tards and kiss mirrors a lot.
VIRGO
(August 24 - September 23)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA
(September 24 - October 23)
You are the artistic type, and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably a queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent, because most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of AIDS or some other venereal disease.
SCORPIO
(October 24 - November 22)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect Son of a Bitch. Most Scorpio's are murdered.
SAGITTARIUS
(November 23 - December 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck because you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and potheads. People laugh at you because you are always getting f00ked.
CAPRICORN
(December 22 -January 20)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken sheet. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
AQUARIUS
(January 21 - February 19)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined toward progressiveness. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a fecking jerk.
PISCES
(February 20 - March 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think that you are being followed by the F.B.I. or the C.I.A. You have a minor influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pieces people screw small animals and pick their nose a lot. Read More...
2011-05-25
ahHA!!!
Live footage of the Bin Laden burial at sea leaked.
See if you can spot the reason why he was buried at sea...
Read More...
See if you can spot the reason why he was buried at sea...
Read More...
2011-05-23
Hmmm...
* Do not eat natural foods. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
* Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground silly, it is a valuable plant.
* The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
* There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
* Life is sexually transmitted.
* An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
* Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
* Some people are like Slinkies: not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
* Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
* Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
* Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
* All of us could take a lesson from the weather: it pays no attention to criticism.
* Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
* In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
* Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
* How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
* People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
* People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
* When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too. "Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
* When people say, "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
* When people say, while watching a movie, "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the ceiling?
* People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, didja there buddy?
* When something is "new and improved." Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
* When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over. Read More...
* Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground silly, it is a valuable plant.
* The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
* There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
* Life is sexually transmitted.
* An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
* Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
* Some people are like Slinkies: not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
* Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
* Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
* Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
* All of us could take a lesson from the weather: it pays no attention to criticism.
* Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
* In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
* Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
* How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
* People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
* People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
* When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too. "Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
* When people say, "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
* When people say, while watching a movie, "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the ceiling?
* People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, didja there buddy?
* When something is "new and improved." Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
* When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over. Read More...
Wierd Facts...
Over on the Wastebook Note, I'm encouraging those to prove/disprove any of the following and I'll edit where appropriate.
Could be fun.
* Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.
* The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickle the company once had.
* A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
* Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks, otherwise it will digest itself.
* The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
* The dot over the letter 'i' is called a "tittle."
* A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top.
* Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller. (snopes says...) Thanks Dave
* A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
* A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
* A 2x4 actually measures 1-1/2 x 3-1/2
* 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
* Every person has a unique tongue print.
* The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was albino.
* 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
* During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be seen in the distance.
* On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
* John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln's son.
* Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
* Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate effects a dogs heart and nervous system, a few ounces enough to kill a small sized dog.
* Daniel Boone detested coonskin caps.
* Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.
* Most lipstick contains fish scales.
* Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
* Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
* Dr. Seuss actually pronounced Seuss such that it sounded like Sue-ice.
* Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
* Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
* During the California Gold Rush of 1849 miners sent their laundry to Honolulu for washing and pressing. Due to the extremely high costs in California during these boom years it was deemed more feasible to send the shirts to Hawaii for servicing.
* American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class.
* Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
* The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
* Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and lower, because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
* There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
* There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
* The numbers '172' can be found on the back of the U.S. $5 dollar bill in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial.
* The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan, there was never a recorded Wendy before!
* The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
* There are four cars and eleven light posts on the back of a $10 dollar bill.
* Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors, also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
* If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
* Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to SLOW a film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
* If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
* The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's 'Born in the USA'
* The mask used by Michael Myers in the original Halloween was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
* The original name for the butterfly was 'flutterby'!
* The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
* The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
* Roses MAY Be red, but violets ARE, indeed, violet.
* By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
* Casey Kasem is the voice of Shaggy on Scooby-Doo.
* Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
* Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look alike contest.
* In Gulliver's Travels Jonathan Swift described the two moons of Mars, Phobos and Deimos, giving their exact size and speeds of rotation. He did this more than 100 years before either moon was discovered.
* Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
* Sherlock Holmes NEVER said Elementary, my dear Watson.
* An old law in Bellingham, Wash., made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.
* Sharon Stone was the first Star Search spokesmodel.
* The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
* Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
* Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
* Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator.
* Bats always turn left when exiting a cave! Read More...
True or False
* Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
* Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
* A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
* People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
* When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
* Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
* Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
* Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
* The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
* The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
* The average housefly lives for one month.
* 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
* A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
* The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
* Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
* Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
* The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
* The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
* John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
* Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
* In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
* Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash. Read More...
* Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
* A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
* People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
* When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
* Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
* Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
* Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
* The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
* The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
* The average housefly lives for one month.
* 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
* A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
* The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
* Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
* Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
* The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
* The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
* John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
* Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
* In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
* Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash. Read More...
Things you should've learned by middle age...
* If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
* Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
* Going to church/synagogue/mosque doesn't make you religious any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
* It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
* Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
* My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
* Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
* It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
* If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
* Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
* Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
* No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
* A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
* Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
* Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
* Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
* There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
* Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
* By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
* Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
* Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. Read More...
* Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
* Going to church/synagogue/mosque doesn't make you religious any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
* It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
* Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
* My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
* Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
* It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
* If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
* Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
* Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
* No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
* A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
* Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
* Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
* Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
* There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
* Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
* By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
* Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
* Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. Read More...
Insurance claim excuses...
The accident was due to the other man narrowly missing me.
The lorry driver halted and worked for the corporation.
I collided with a stationary tramcar coming in the other direction.
The occupants were stalking deer on the hillside.
I left my Austin Seven outside, and when I came out later, to my amazement there was an Austin Twelve.
To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.
There were plenty of lookers on, but no witnesses.
The water from my radiator accidentally froze at twelve midnight.
The accident was due to an invisible lorry narrowly missing me.
I was scraping my nearside on the bank when the accident occurred.
After the accident a working gentleman offered to be a witness in my favour.
I collided with a stationary tree.
There was no damage to the car as the gate post will testify.
The accident was due to the road bending.
The witness gave his occupation as a gentleman but it would be more correct in calling him a garage proprietor.
The other man altered his mind and I had to run over him.
I told the other idiot what he was and went on.
One wheel went into the ditch. My foot jumped from the accellerator pedal, leapt across the lane to the other side and jammed in the trunk of a tree.
I remember nothing after passing the Crown Hotel until I came to and saw P.C. Brown.
A cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted.
A bull was standing near-by and a fly must have tickled him because he gored my car.
If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself, it would not have happened.
She suddenly saw me, lost her head and we collided.
I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings.
I ran into the shop window and sustained injuries to my wife.
I misjudged a lady crossing the street.
I heard a horn blow and was violently struck in the back - a lady was evidently trying to pass me.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I haven't got.
Three women were talking to each other, and when one stepped back and one stepped forward I had to have an accident.
I can give no details of the accident as I was somewhat concussed at the time.
Wilful damage was done to the upholstery by rats.
A pedestrian hit me and went underneath my car.
I blew my horn but it would not work as it was stolen.
I thought the garage had only four posts, but my car bumped into a fifth.
I was overhauling the car when it was stolen.
A lamp-post bumped into my car, damaging it in two places.
The car in front of me stopped suddenly and I crashed gently into his luggage grid.
I left my car unattended for a minute and whether by accident or design it ran away.
The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intentions.
I unfortunately ran over a pedestrian and the old gentleman was taken to hospital much regretting the circumstances.
I thought the side window was down but it was up as I found out when I put my head through it.
I consider neither vehicle to blame, but if either was to blame it was the other one.
I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault and had been knocked over before.
I looked for the sign but the more I looked the more I couldn't find it.
By the way, I believe if I had lost my head the accident could have been worse.
I was knocked out as a result of the collision and was taken to hospital where I sustained serious injuries.
The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intention.
A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife's face.
The bloke was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In attempting to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing my to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police I was not injured but upon removing my hat I found I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea in which direction to run, so I ran over him.
I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the bonnet of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road and was later found in a ditch by some stray boys.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
Leaving home for work I drove out of my drive straight into a bus; the bus was five minutes early.
The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel. Read More...
The lorry driver halted and worked for the corporation.
I collided with a stationary tramcar coming in the other direction.
The occupants were stalking deer on the hillside.
I left my Austin Seven outside, and when I came out later, to my amazement there was an Austin Twelve.
To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.
There were plenty of lookers on, but no witnesses.
The water from my radiator accidentally froze at twelve midnight.
The accident was due to an invisible lorry narrowly missing me.
I was scraping my nearside on the bank when the accident occurred.
After the accident a working gentleman offered to be a witness in my favour.
I collided with a stationary tree.
There was no damage to the car as the gate post will testify.
The accident was due to the road bending.
The witness gave his occupation as a gentleman but it would be more correct in calling him a garage proprietor.
The other man altered his mind and I had to run over him.
I told the other idiot what he was and went on.
One wheel went into the ditch. My foot jumped from the accellerator pedal, leapt across the lane to the other side and jammed in the trunk of a tree.
I remember nothing after passing the Crown Hotel until I came to and saw P.C. Brown.
A cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted.
A bull was standing near-by and a fly must have tickled him because he gored my car.
If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself, it would not have happened.
She suddenly saw me, lost her head and we collided.
I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings.
I ran into the shop window and sustained injuries to my wife.
I misjudged a lady crossing the street.
I heard a horn blow and was violently struck in the back - a lady was evidently trying to pass me.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I haven't got.
Three women were talking to each other, and when one stepped back and one stepped forward I had to have an accident.
I can give no details of the accident as I was somewhat concussed at the time.
Wilful damage was done to the upholstery by rats.
A pedestrian hit me and went underneath my car.
I blew my horn but it would not work as it was stolen.
I thought the garage had only four posts, but my car bumped into a fifth.
I was overhauling the car when it was stolen.
A lamp-post bumped into my car, damaging it in two places.
The car in front of me stopped suddenly and I crashed gently into his luggage grid.
I left my car unattended for a minute and whether by accident or design it ran away.
The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intentions.
I unfortunately ran over a pedestrian and the old gentleman was taken to hospital much regretting the circumstances.
I thought the side window was down but it was up as I found out when I put my head through it.
I consider neither vehicle to blame, but if either was to blame it was the other one.
I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault and had been knocked over before.
I looked for the sign but the more I looked the more I couldn't find it.
By the way, I believe if I had lost my head the accident could have been worse.
I was knocked out as a result of the collision and was taken to hospital where I sustained serious injuries.
The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intention.
A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife's face.
The bloke was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In attempting to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing my to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police I was not injured but upon removing my hat I found I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea in which direction to run, so I ran over him.
I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the bonnet of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road and was later found in a ditch by some stray boys.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
Leaving home for work I drove out of my drive straight into a bus; the bus was five minutes early.
The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel. Read More...
100 reasons on...
Why it's great being a Guy;
Reason 1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Reason 2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
Reason 3. You know stuff about tanks.
Reason 4. A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Reason 5. Monday Night Football
Reason 6. You don’t have to monitor your friends’ sex lives.
Reason 7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
Reason 8. You can open all your own jars.
Reason 9. Old friends don’t give you crap if you’ve lost or gained weight.
Reason 10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.
Reason 11. When clicking through the channels, you don’t have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
Reason 12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Reason 13. All your orgasms are real.
Reason 14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
Reason 15. Guys in hockey masks don’t attack you.
Reason 16. You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
Reason 17. You understand why “Stripes” is funny.
Reason 18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
Reason 19. Your last name stays put.
Reason 20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
Reason 21. When your work is criticized, you don’t have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
Reason 22. You can kill your own food.
Reason 23. The garage is all yours.
Reason 24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Reason 25. You see the humour in “Terms of Endearment”.
Reason 26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
Reason 27. You never have to clean the toilet.
Reason 28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
Reason 29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
Reason 30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Reason 31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Reason 32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
Reason 33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
Reason 34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
Reason 35. You don’t have to shave below the neck.
Reason 36. You don’t have to curl up to a hairy ass every night.
Reason 37. If you are 34 and single nobody notices.
Reason 38. You can write your name in the snow.
Reason 39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
Reason 40. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
Reason 41. Chocolate is just another snack.
Reason 42. You can be president.
Reason 43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Reason 44. Flowers fix everything.
Reason 45. You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.
Reason 46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
Reason 47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Reason 48. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
Reason 49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
Reason 50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
Reason 51. Foreplay is optional.
Reason 52. Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.
Reason 53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
Reason 54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
Reason 55. You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
Reason 56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
Reason 57. Car mechanics tell the truth.
Reason 58. You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.
Reason 59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking “he must be mad at me”.
Reason 60. The world is your urinal.
Reason 61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
Reason 62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
Reason 63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
Reason 64. One mood, all the time.
Reason 65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
Reason 66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one is just too skeevy.
Reason 67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
Reason 68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
Reason 69. Same work, more pay.
Reason 70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
Reason 71. You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
Reason 72. Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100.
Reason 73. You don’t care if someone is talking behind your back.
Reason 74. With 400 million sperm per shot you could double the earth’s population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
Reason 75. You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.
Reason 76. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
Reason 77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
Reason 78. People never glance at your chest when you are talking to them.
Reason 79. ESPN’s sports centre.
Reason 80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
Reason 81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
Reason 82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
Reason 83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
Reason 84. You needn’t pretend you’re “freshening up” to go to the bathroom.
Reason 85. If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your friends you’ve changed.
Reason 86. Someday you will be a dirty old man.
Reason 87. You can rationalize any behaviour with the handy phrase “Fuck it”.
Reason 88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
Reason 89. Princess Di’s death was almost just another obituary.
Reason 90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
Reason 91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you are not in the mood.
Reason 92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
Reason 93. If something mechanical doesn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
Reason 94. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Reason 95. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Reason 96. You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.
Reason 97. Not liking a person doesn’t preclude having great sex with them.
Reason 98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with “So … notice anything different?”
Reason 99. Baywatch.
Reason 100. There is always a game on somewhere. Read More...
Reason 1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Reason 2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
Reason 3. You know stuff about tanks.
Reason 4. A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Reason 5. Monday Night Football
Reason 6. You don’t have to monitor your friends’ sex lives.
Reason 7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
Reason 8. You can open all your own jars.
Reason 9. Old friends don’t give you crap if you’ve lost or gained weight.
Reason 10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.
Reason 11. When clicking through the channels, you don’t have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
Reason 12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Reason 13. All your orgasms are real.
Reason 14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
Reason 15. Guys in hockey masks don’t attack you.
Reason 16. You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
Reason 17. You understand why “Stripes” is funny.
Reason 18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
Reason 19. Your last name stays put.
Reason 20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
Reason 21. When your work is criticized, you don’t have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
Reason 22. You can kill your own food.
Reason 23. The garage is all yours.
Reason 24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Reason 25. You see the humour in “Terms of Endearment”.
Reason 26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
Reason 27. You never have to clean the toilet.
Reason 28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
Reason 29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
Reason 30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Reason 31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Reason 32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
Reason 33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
Reason 34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
Reason 35. You don’t have to shave below the neck.
Reason 36. You don’t have to curl up to a hairy ass every night.
Reason 37. If you are 34 and single nobody notices.
Reason 38. You can write your name in the snow.
Reason 39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
Reason 40. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
Reason 41. Chocolate is just another snack.
Reason 42. You can be president.
Reason 43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Reason 44. Flowers fix everything.
Reason 45. You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.
Reason 46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
Reason 47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Reason 48. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
Reason 49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
Reason 50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
Reason 51. Foreplay is optional.
Reason 52. Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.
Reason 53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
Reason 54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
Reason 55. You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
Reason 56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
Reason 57. Car mechanics tell the truth.
Reason 58. You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.
Reason 59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking “he must be mad at me”.
Reason 60. The world is your urinal.
Reason 61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
Reason 62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
Reason 63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
Reason 64. One mood, all the time.
Reason 65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
Reason 66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one is just too skeevy.
Reason 67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
Reason 68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
Reason 69. Same work, more pay.
Reason 70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
Reason 71. You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
Reason 72. Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100.
Reason 73. You don’t care if someone is talking behind your back.
Reason 74. With 400 million sperm per shot you could double the earth’s population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
Reason 75. You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.
Reason 76. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
Reason 77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
Reason 78. People never glance at your chest when you are talking to them.
Reason 79. ESPN’s sports centre.
Reason 80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
Reason 81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
Reason 82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
Reason 83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
Reason 84. You needn’t pretend you’re “freshening up” to go to the bathroom.
Reason 85. If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your friends you’ve changed.
Reason 86. Someday you will be a dirty old man.
Reason 87. You can rationalize any behaviour with the handy phrase “Fuck it”.
Reason 88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
Reason 89. Princess Di’s death was almost just another obituary.
Reason 90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
Reason 91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you are not in the mood.
Reason 92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
Reason 93. If something mechanical doesn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
Reason 94. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Reason 95. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Reason 96. You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.
Reason 97. Not liking a person doesn’t preclude having great sex with them.
Reason 98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with “So … notice anything different?”
Reason 99. Baywatch.
Reason 100. There is always a game on somewhere. Read More...
"Hello, Tech Support... how may I help you?"
* Helpdesk - What kind of computer do you have? Female customer - A white one...
* Female Customer - Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Helpdesk - Have you tried pushing the button? Customer - Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Helpdesk - That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..." Customer - No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry.
* Helpdesk - Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Female Customer - Your left or my left?
* Helpdesk - Good day. How may I help you? Male customer - Hello... I can't print. Helpdesk - Would you click on start for me and ... Customer - Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!
* Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
* Customer - I have problems printing in red... Helpdesk - Do you have a colour printer? Customer - Aaaah....................thank you.
* Helpdesk - What's on your monitor now ma'am? Customer - A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
* Helpdesk - And now hit F8. Customer - It's not working. Helpdesk - What did you do, exactly? Customer - I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...
* Customer - My keyboard is not working anymore. Helpdesk - Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer - No. I can't get behind the computer. Helpdesk - Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer - OK Helpdesk - Did the keyboard come with you? Customer - Yes Helpdesk - That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer - Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
* Helpdesk - Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer - Is that 7 in capital letters?
* A customer couldn't get on the internet. Helpdesk - Are you sure you used the right password? Customer - Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Helpdesk - Can you tell me what the password was? Customer - Five stars.
* Helpdesk - What antivirus program do you use? Customer - Netscape. Helpdesk - That's not an antivirus program. Customer - Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
* Customer - I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
* Helpdesk - Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you? Old woman - Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can You please tell me how long it will take before you can help me? Helpdesk - Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem? Old woman - I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
* Helpdesk - How may I help you? Customer - I'm writing my first e-mail. Helpdesk - OK, and, what seems to be the problem? Customer - Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it? Read More...
* Female Customer - Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Helpdesk - Have you tried pushing the button? Customer - Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Helpdesk - That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..." Customer - No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry.
* Helpdesk - Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Female Customer - Your left or my left?
* Helpdesk - Good day. How may I help you? Male customer - Hello... I can't print. Helpdesk - Would you click on start for me and ... Customer - Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!
* Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
* Customer - I have problems printing in red... Helpdesk - Do you have a colour printer? Customer - Aaaah....................thank you.
* Helpdesk - What's on your monitor now ma'am? Customer - A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
* Helpdesk - And now hit F8. Customer - It's not working. Helpdesk - What did you do, exactly? Customer - I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...
* Customer - My keyboard is not working anymore. Helpdesk - Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer - No. I can't get behind the computer. Helpdesk - Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer - OK Helpdesk - Did the keyboard come with you? Customer - Yes Helpdesk - That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer - Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
* Helpdesk - Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer - Is that 7 in capital letters?
* A customer couldn't get on the internet. Helpdesk - Are you sure you used the right password? Customer - Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Helpdesk - Can you tell me what the password was? Customer - Five stars.
* Helpdesk - What antivirus program do you use? Customer - Netscape. Helpdesk - That's not an antivirus program. Customer - Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
* Customer - I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
* Helpdesk - Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you? Old woman - Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can You please tell me how long it will take before you can help me? Helpdesk - Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem? Old woman - I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
* Helpdesk - How may I help you? Customer - I'm writing my first e-mail. Helpdesk - OK, and, what seems to be the problem? Customer - Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it? Read More...
Why did the chicken cross the road... by
GEORGE W. BUSH - We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
AL GORE - I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
RALPH NADER - The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN - To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH - I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
JERRY FALWELL - Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it-the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens 'til we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
DR. SEUSS - Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY - To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. - I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA - In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS - Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON - Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
ARISTOTLE - It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX - It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN - This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
VOLTAIRE - I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
RONALD REAGAN - What chicken?
CAPTAIN KIRK - To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER - You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
SIGMUND FREUD - The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES - I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
MARTHA STEWART - No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
ALBERT EINSTEIN - Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON - I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
THE BIBLE - And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS - I missed one? Read More...
AL GORE - I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
RALPH NADER - The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN - To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH - I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
JERRY FALWELL - Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it-the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens 'til we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
DR. SEUSS - Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY - To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. - I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA - In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS - Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON - Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
ARISTOTLE - It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX - It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN - This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
VOLTAIRE - I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
RONALD REAGAN - What chicken?
CAPTAIN KIRK - To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER - You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
SIGMUND FREUD - The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES - I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
MARTHA STEWART - No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
ALBERT EINSTEIN - Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON - I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
THE BIBLE - And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS - I missed one? Read More...
2011-05-21
Ha!
The Toronto Star has an interesting article entitled The world will end, just not today....
Still, you thought you heard a zombie in the middle of the night... didn't you?
Enjoy the long weekend and get out in the sun! Read More...
Still, you thought you heard a zombie in the middle of the night... didn't you?
Enjoy the long weekend and get out in the sun! Read More...
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