A tale of a man who'd been alone so long and whether or not he could remain true to himself when confronted with that which his heart desires.
See, I'd always been one to get 'caught up' in something/someone new. Get lost in them...
So it was with a sense of anticipation that I ventured out in to the 'real world' on my first solo flight since my arrival here in The 'Head in July of 2011. Since I'd been given back something that was taken from me oh so long ago. Since I'd left Toronto and let go of what I needed to. I'd already been tested by the one who first took what was (and is) rightfully mine. I was true to myself then, and knew 'everything' would eventually be ok.
My heart was pounding.
My excitement level was high.
So much so that I awoke at 0333hrs and realized that was all the sleep I was going to get. A cuppa tea, d00b and my last smoke and I wasn't moving anywhere for the next few hours. Lying there, alone... stretched out on the couch, I saw all my hopes and dreams right before me.
There for the taking.
All I had to do was reach for them.
I've been sittin here
Tryin to find myself
I get behind myself
I need to rewind myself
Lookin for the payback
Listen for the playback
They say that every man bleeds just like me
And I feel like number one
Yet I'm last in line
I watch my youngest son
And it helps to pass the time
I take too many pills it helps to ease the pain
I made a couple of dollar bills, but still I feel the same
Everybody knows my name
They say it way out loud
A lot of folks fuck with me
It's hard to hang out in crowds
I guess that's the price you pay
To be the man that I am
Out stretched hands and one night stands
Still I can't find love
(thanks to Kid Rock for the majority of the above)
Getting some of my things together... jumping in the shower, shaving and such.
I'm dressed and it's now... 0600hrs!
Now what?
I've 2 hours to kill and I'm ready to go!
What am I to do?
I revert to that which I do best... sit, ponder and think. Thinking of what it took for me to get to this point in time. Knowing where I wanted to be and exactly how to get there. Hoping... fucking HOPING my time alone was finally at an end.
The shuttle was meeting me at what is referred to as T-Pauls.
Little Pauls really.
It's a PETRO Canada gas station.
I grab my things and begin what I hoped would be the next phase of my 'journey'.
And... it's raining.
It's slushy.
And I got slushed.
Oh well... fitting, really.
I hit T-Pauls at 0800 and I await the shuttles arrival for 0815.
It's 0820 and now I begin to wonder.
With the weather and the poor driving conditions would the shuttle actually arrive?
OMG!
0830 and now I'm freaking!
At 0833hrs the shuttle pulls up and out jumps Bernie.
I settle in and make the phone call I'd so been looking forward to making... that I was on my way.
And... NO ANSWER!!!
Awesome.
With 3 travellers in the shuttle and one stop to make, I decided to pass the time by simply being me.
I was simply going to be true to myself in every single instance... every single person I meet and I would be that which I could only be... Me.
Laughter and good conversation filled my ride.
After our pickup in Barrington, we had only one other stop to make, that being in Liverpool. For a coffee and washroom break. OMG there's a McDonald's... coffee and sausage mcmuffins were it for me. Coffee and sandwiches (ok, I had 2) gone, and then I was there!
I knew I'd be meeting someone at my absolute worst. A mess of hair, ill-fitting clothes and having not been to a dentist in a decade... could I pull it off? Show myself at my worst and yet still have the confidence to be true to myself?
So I thought it only 'fair' that I see you at your worst as well.
If you REALLY want to get to know someone in a short period of time simply have a drink with them and deprive them of sleep. Their true nature will reveal itself in no time. And they won't even know it's happening. All you have to do is sit back, watch and listen.
And that's what I did.
I sat and listened and I heard.
/edit
I'd originally posted two paragraphs with the intent to inform and to give an understanding of what I saw.
Despite there being no hostility, nor was I rude in any way... in the end it could be seen as my being bitter.
That said... I will simply say without communication there is nothing.
/end edit
And so I spent that night on the couch and made plans to leave.
Awakening the next morning I find myself famished.
I hadn't eaten supper the night previous and needed something in my tummy.
I said that I'd like to have one of the leftover slices of pizza from the other night.
As I walked to the kitchen a small voice said to me 'there is bacon'.
I couldn't help but burst out laughing.
OMG... how could you!
To tease me with something so dear as bacon!
Still, I turned it down and had my slice along with a cuppa tea.
Getting my things together I couldn't help but feel cheated.
And yet I also knew, just fucking KNEW... that I was back.
That I knew with absolute certainty what has healthy... and what was not healthy for me.
Saying goodbye and leaving, I was greeted by a kilometre hike... UPHILL!!!
I wanted a pack of smokes. Hadn't had one in a few days.
I'm trudging uphill and am greeted by a young man and his woman carrying ubiquitous plastic shopping bags with a Giant Tiger symbol. And... he was wearing a Leaf hat! A sign! I gave him props for the hat and asked where someone might buy a pack of smokes. He replied Giant Tiger. Having never been in one I thought to myself what the heck kind of store would this be?
I entered and knew I had to buy my smokes and get out in hurry. There was SO MUCH to see I couldn't stay! After getting in line and seeing all those eyes upon me (really, not too many like me in that town before I'm sure), so, again... I was simply me.
Exiting I was hit by a bright light!
Shining down on me like a star in the sky.
...
Not really, but it sounds nice.
No, though it WAS a sign... it was simply a sign indicating food and drink.
I trudged across the street with my 2 bags and entered.
The 'restaurant' was occupied by older couples.
Not a good sign.
Ahha!
There was the bar!
The lights were out and no one was tending bar.
Another bad sign.
The wait staff informed me that the manager at the hotel counter could/would serve me.
So I asked for a double Wisers and was greeted with the question whether I wanted a Budweiser.
Um... no... a whiskey please.
No Wisers, Crown or even CC... I was left with Black Velvet (?)
A double BV it was then... and a Keiths to chase it down.
Grabbing a menu I ordered (tada) bacon... a club and fries... and waited.
OMG... there is free wifi!
Online now and logging in I wondered what was happening in the world in my 'absence'.
The food was served in a timely manner and the staff professional and courteous.
Despite not having my whiskey, they DID have bacon. :l
PROPS to the staff at the hotel at the top of Dominion and High St.
Three and a half hours later (and a couple of refills...) and the shuttle still hadn't arrived.
This was yet another bad sign.
I called and was informed they were but minutes away.
woot woot!
The shuttle finally arrives and it is full.
I'm leaving with a somewhat heavy heart.
Heavy because I am still alone.
Yet I am finally, and completely comfortable with that feeling.
How would the passengers 'deal' with me?
Again, by simply being me all seven passengers joined in what became a lively conversation.
And then... then there was Owen & Gerry.
At first I thought it was the Barenaked Ladies and wasn't all that impressed to be hearing them.
Not a fan really.
But then Owen & Gerry began singing their If I Caught a Million Lobsters...
And I was floored!
Hearing them sing along to the rhythm of the Ladies in a Pubnico drawl totally cracked me up!
As it did everyone else.
The conversation really picked up then.
Where was I from... what was I doing here, etc.
And then... seemingly out of nowhere the driver (Peter) said that he too was raised in Toronto.
Me: Burnhamthorpe and Renforth.
He: Kipling and Dixon.
And it was like OMGIWENTTOSTGREGSOMGIWENTTONATIVITY!!!
What a small, beautiful fucking world we live in.
You ever need a ride around the south shore, call Peter at cloud9 shuttle.
TOLL FREE 1-888-805-3335 or 902-742-3992 CALL NOW!
:l
To the man who was returning home... the quiet lady sitting shotgun... Peter, the mother and her daughter returning from hospital... the grandmother returning home to see her family... and the woman fresh out of rehab returning to her family for the fist time in a year... I thank you.
After pulling up to T-Pauls and disembarking... I said my goodbyes and was greeted with a 'nice to meet you' and a few 'take cares'. To the woman out of rehab, I reached out, put my hand on her arm... looked her right in the eye... and said that she'd be just fine.
Perhaps that was the purpose of my trip afterall?
That someone in their time of darkness... needed a reminder that it would be ok... if they simply believed in themselves.
After grabbing bread and milk I was left with a short walk 'home'.
I thought again of my time there...
Yeah, it's over now
But I can breathe somehow
When it's all worn out
I'd rather go without
My initial instincts were correct.
Aren't they always?
You just have to believe in yourself.
Every day truly is a winding road.
I am back.
Back, bigger and badder than ever before.
You better be ready for Me because I am here, and I am ready.
Bring it on...
If only... Read More...
Posts
