* Helpdesk - What kind of computer do you have? Female customer - A white one...
* Female Customer - Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Helpdesk - Have you tried pushing the button? Customer - Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Helpdesk - That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..." Customer - No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry.
* Helpdesk - Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Female Customer - Your left or my left?
* Helpdesk - Good day. How may I help you? Male customer - Hello... I can't print. Helpdesk - Would you click on start for me and ... Customer - Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!
* Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
* Customer - I have problems printing in red... Helpdesk - Do you have a colour printer? Customer - Aaaah....................thank you.
* Helpdesk - What's on your monitor now ma'am? Customer - A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
* Helpdesk - And now hit F8. Customer - It's not working. Helpdesk - What did you do, exactly? Customer - I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...
* Customer - My keyboard is not working anymore. Helpdesk - Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer - No. I can't get behind the computer. Helpdesk - Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer - OK Helpdesk - Did the keyboard come with you? Customer - Yes Helpdesk - That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer - Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
* Helpdesk - Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer - Is that 7 in capital letters?
* A customer couldn't get on the internet. Helpdesk - Are you sure you used the right password? Customer - Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Helpdesk - Can you tell me what the password was? Customer - Five stars.
* Helpdesk - What antivirus program do you use? Customer - Netscape. Helpdesk - That's not an antivirus program. Customer - Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
* Customer - I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
* Helpdesk - Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you? Old woman - Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can You please tell me how long it will take before you can help me? Helpdesk - Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem? Old woman - I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
* Helpdesk - How may I help you? Customer - I'm writing my first e-mail. Helpdesk - OK, and, what seems to be the problem? Customer - Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?
Read More...
2011-05-23
Why did the chicken cross the road... by
GEORGE W. BUSH - We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
AL GORE - I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
RALPH NADER - The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN - To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH - I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
JERRY FALWELL - Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it-the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens 'til we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
DR. SEUSS - Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY - To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. - I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA - In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS - Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON - Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
ARISTOTLE - It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX - It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN - This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
VOLTAIRE - I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
RONALD REAGAN - What chicken?
CAPTAIN KIRK - To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER - You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
SIGMUND FREUD - The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES - I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
MARTHA STEWART - No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
ALBERT EINSTEIN - Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON - I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
THE BIBLE - And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS - I missed one? Read More...
AL GORE - I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
RALPH NADER - The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN - To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH - I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
JERRY FALWELL - Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it-the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens 'til we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
DR. SEUSS - Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY - To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. - I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA - In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS - Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON - Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
ARISTOTLE - It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX - It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN - This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
VOLTAIRE - I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
RONALD REAGAN - What chicken?
CAPTAIN KIRK - To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER - You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
SIGMUND FREUD - The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES - I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
MARTHA STEWART - No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
ALBERT EINSTEIN - Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON - I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
THE BIBLE - And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS - I missed one? Read More...
The road I walk...
Like the dust that settles all around me,
I must find a new home.
The ways and holes that used to give me shelter,
Are all as one to me now.
But I, I would search everywhere
Just to hear your call,
And walk upon stranger roads than this one
In a world I used to know before.
I miss you more.
Than the sun reflecting off my pillow,
Bringing the warmth of new life.
And the sounds that echoed all around me,
I caught a glimpse of in the night.
But now, now I've lost everything,
I give to you my soul.
The meaning of all that I believed before
Escapes me in this world of none, no thing, no one.
And I would search everywhere
Just to hear your call,
And walk upon stranger roads than this one
In a world I used to know before.
For now I've lost everything,
I give to you my soul.
The meaning of all that I believed before
Escapes me in this world of none,
I miss you more.
Read More...
I must find a new home.
The ways and holes that used to give me shelter,
Are all as one to me now.
But I, I would search everywhere
Just to hear your call,
And walk upon stranger roads than this one
In a world I used to know before.
I miss you more.
Than the sun reflecting off my pillow,
Bringing the warmth of new life.
And the sounds that echoed all around me,
I caught a glimpse of in the night.
But now, now I've lost everything,
I give to you my soul.
The meaning of all that I believed before
Escapes me in this world of none, no thing, no one.
And I would search everywhere
Just to hear your call,
And walk upon stranger roads than this one
In a world I used to know before.
For now I've lost everything,
I give to you my soul.
The meaning of all that I believed before
Escapes me in this world of none,
I miss you more.
Read More...
2011-05-22
And this...
Birthday wish goes out to Joshua... he's 6 today.
Happy Birthday!
Enjoy your day little man. Read More...
2011-05-21
WhaddoIknow...
I've been sittin here
Tryin to find myself
I get behind myself
I need to rewind myself
Lookin for the payback
Listen for the playback
They say that every man bleeds just like me
And I feel like number one
Yet I'm last in line
I watch my youngest son
And it helps to pass the time
I take too many pills it helps to ease the pain
I made a couple of dollar bills, but still I feel the same
Everybody knows my name
They say it way out loud
A lot of folks fuck with me
It's hard to hang out in crowds
I guess that's the price you pay
To be some big shot like I am
Out strecthed hands and one night stands
Still I can't find love
And when your walls come tumbling down
I will always be around
Yeah
As it...hey
And when your walls come tumbling down
I will always be around
People don't know about the things I say and do
They don't understand about the shit that I've been through
It's been so long since I've been home
I've been gone, I've been gone for way too long
Maybe I forgot all things I miss
Oh somehow I know there's more to life than this
I said it too many times
And I still stand firm
You get what you put in
And people get what they deserve
Still I ain't seen mine
No I ain't seen mine
I've been giving just ain't been gettin
I've been walking that there line
So I think I'll keep a walking
With my head held high
I'll keep moving on and only God knows why
Only God
Only God
Only God knows why, why, why, why
Only God...knows...why, why, why
Only God knows why
Take me to the river edge
Take me to the river, hey hey hey
Read More...
Tryin to find myself
I get behind myself
I need to rewind myself
Lookin for the payback
Listen for the playback
They say that every man bleeds just like me
And I feel like number one
Yet I'm last in line
I watch my youngest son
And it helps to pass the time
I take too many pills it helps to ease the pain
I made a couple of dollar bills, but still I feel the same
Everybody knows my name
They say it way out loud
A lot of folks fuck with me
It's hard to hang out in crowds
I guess that's the price you pay
To be some big shot like I am
Out strecthed hands and one night stands
Still I can't find love
And when your walls come tumbling down
I will always be around
Yeah
As it...hey
And when your walls come tumbling down
I will always be around
People don't know about the things I say and do
They don't understand about the shit that I've been through
It's been so long since I've been home
I've been gone, I've been gone for way too long
Maybe I forgot all things I miss
Oh somehow I know there's more to life than this
I said it too many times
And I still stand firm
You get what you put in
And people get what they deserve
Still I ain't seen mine
No I ain't seen mine
I've been giving just ain't been gettin
I've been walking that there line
So I think I'll keep a walking
With my head held high
I'll keep moving on and only God knows why
Only God
Only God
Only God knows why, why, why, why
Only God...knows...why, why, why
Only God knows why
Take me to the river edge
Take me to the river, hey hey hey
Read More...
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