2011-06-30

Random days and random people...

With a final ride on the TTC, I arrive at the Bay/Dundas bus terminal and pick up my ticket. Run into an old-time SGT and engage in conversation. I ponder (and ask) as he's wearing a maroon coloured beret, which are not given out anymore (recall the Airborne Somalia 'affair'). Turns out he'd earned it in 1979!!! Props given.

With a stop-over at Scarborough Town Centre to pickup other passengers, we eventually arrive in Trenton around 9'ish. Without a place to stay (as Dave/Jenn turn out to be unavailable until Tuesday), I enter the store (yes, the Trenton 'terminal' is a variety store... the SAME store I arrived at in 1985 on my way to Boot Camp) and ask a random guy if there is a YMCA/Mens Hostel in town. He turns to me and says as long as I don't take from him I could stay with him and his wife!

I know eh!
OMG!

Tell me this could ever happen in Toronto!

I have come to believe that part of why I am out here is to rediscover a lost hope in mankind. Sure there is kindness and generosity of spirit (and there ARE some whom I have been lucky to know) but, over-all I have become somewhat jaded in how I see people.

I have been burned one too many times in those I called friend.

So, Dennis and I walk home wherein he asks me to 'play along' and introduce me as his long-lost cousin. Er... what choice did I have?

I reluctantly agree and meet his wife Diana.
I also meet their litter of 8 purebred 6 week old Labrador's!!!
They are feckin adorable!
And smelly!!!

We've a fire and a few beers and all of a sudden its 3am!
Am offered a couch in their basement and sleep for 9 hours!
Must be the air.

Day 3 up next...
Read More...

The First Night...

I smoked a d00b at our tree this morning...

16 1/2hrs earlier...

5pm on Wednesday the 29th of June and I am on my way.

How quickly things change.

Plan was to quickly pickup some personal papers at was once my storage locker, then continue on my way. Things being what they are though, and, well... the family photo albums were also there! (Thank-you Public Storage!!! Even IF your prices are outrageous)

At ANY rate... what to do with the pics? I can't very well carry them with me! A friend comes to the rescue and agrees to hold on to the boxes of pics until such time plans can be made for the kids Grandmother to take them. Thanks!

A tour is in order, and I visit the family house, my home of the past 6yrs, a couple of old haunts and I wind up in Centennial Park. I know immediately what I want/need to do. After spending a few hours in 'our park' Monday afternoon, tonight, I decide to spend the night by our tree.

A d00b, couple can of Coke and a BK Chicken-Sandwich Combo (again, thanks!!!), I walk over to our tree. Been a while since I've been there. Probably the same for you as well. I've the pics from your tattoo day still on my phone, and I spend time fondly thinking of all the good times we shared together.

Sure enough I'm on this Journey of Me as a part of my growth, but, I also have to be honest with myself when I say that we need me to leave as well. This cycle will continue as long as I'm here and if its ripping you apart as much as it's killing me (and it can be plainly seen/felt), then, this too will be good for us.

I find my spot under the stars, fold myself into my sleeping bag and pass out. Other than camping, it's been a while (ok, decades) since I'd slept outside. Not since the days of Boot Camp in 1985!

OMG!

That makes me...

I know eh!

Though I didn't actually sleep much, I am alone with my thoughts. I find them comforting. I know now that I am 'doing the right thing'. There is no measure of success or failure to speak of. It's not about getting from here to there.

It's about Just Breathing...

I awoke at 9am (I know eh!), cleaned up the area (gotta be responsible right!), cleaned myself up and sat by our tree for a final word of goodbye. I sparked that d00b I spoke of earlier... and thought of us.

Was a hard time that.

With a kind word and a kiss goodbye, I am again on my way.

Not 200ft later I hear a 'do you work with the carnival?'

It is a woman in her mid 50's resting from a bike ride. Paula is sitting by some tree's enjoying a rest. We engage in random conversation that goes on for 1/2hr. Topics include her Father, having written his memoirs of his experiences in a Belgium Concentration Camp, and whether she should publish them as he passed years ago. We spoke of randomness and serendipity, of aging and dating, of happiness and meditation... of balance and just what the heck I was doing there at this time of the day!

What I took from that exchange were words that Paula was hoping to get her head around and publish that book. 'Keep going' she said...

A feeling of peace washed over me when I realized this was no chance meeting.

With her promise to publish that book, and to read my blog about our encounter, I offer a hand and a warm goodbye and again, put one foot in front of another...

I hit Timmy's (duh) for a coffee and a breakfast sandwich (yes, on a Tea Biscuit), and enjoy same with a post meal smoke.

I head down the West Mall and find myself in my old haunt. I spend time at our pine-cone bench. There is something about that area as not only does that bench hold special significance, but I was married in the old house there, Applewood. Perhaps it is an area of love for me.

Off with the shirt, and I tan for 90mins. Was simply... bliss.

I buy a freezie (a blue one)!!!

And find myself here, at the local library.

About to wander aimlessly downtown for a bit, then grab the 6:30 Greyhound out of the Bay Bus Terminal.

So ends Day 1
Read More...

2011-06-29

It is time...

Is outta here... Read More...

One

... Read More...

2011-06-28

Two

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2011-06-26

I hope you die...

I was told that today. Told that by someone whom I believed to be my best friend. It crushed me because it came out of left field (as things with her usually do). My love for you goes without saying... and 40mins later I am wished dead. Can someone, anyone... please explain this to me? Because I'm having a really hard time with this...

Goodbye My Love... sure it won't be long before you get your wish.
Though, I wish you and yours nothing but the best, as always.

...

On other issues... four days to go. Read More...

2011-06-21

... Eight

88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888... Eight. Read More...

2011-06-20

Nine...

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2011-06-19

10...

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2011-06-16

Ya, thanks a lot Vancouver!

A pox on those who claim to be hockey fans, and what they did to the City of Vancouver last night, after their team stunk out their home rink in losing to the Boston Bruins in Game 7. Shutout on home ice in the Stanley Cup finale!

And what did these so-called fans do about it?

They rioted.

And the response?

The Premier promises to expose those reponsible to the general public.

The Police Chief has blamed the riot on a few 'hooligans' and 'anarchists', despite overwhelming evidence that litterally thousands were involved. The Globe & Mail attempts to dispel this myth with an interesting piece.

The riot dominates local coverage.

There is the (now) famous picture of the couple making out in the middle of the street while a large crowd and police are about to face-off (see below).

There are the inevitable Facebook Groups and Pages, of which one have pledged to assist the police in anyway they can. They also pledge to organize a cleanup crew (of which Vancouverites have already begun doing).

And the World laughs.

You have all tarnished our good name.

A pox on all of you!

The promised picture of the couple making out.
Read More...

2011-06-15

Congrats!!!




Congrats to the Boston Bruins, winner of the Stanley Cup after shutting out the Vancouver Canucks in Game 7!

Now, for the hockey withdrawal until October. Read More...

And this is my Surprise Face...


 
Apparently women will engage in casual sex when they expect to be satisfied.

Ya, says so right here.

In other news, men like sex. Read More...

Cold was my soul...

Goodbye My Love











Lead to the river
Midsummer, I waved
A "V" of black swans
On with hope to the grave
And though Red September
With skies fire-paved
I begged you appear
Like a thorn for the holy ones

Cold was my soul
Untold was the pain
I faced when you left me
A rose in the rain....
So I swore to the razor
That never, enchained
Would your dark nails of faith
Be pushed through my veins again

Bared on your tomb
I'm a prayer for your loneliness
And would you ever soon
Come above unto me?
For once upon a time
From the binds of your lowliness
I could always find
The right slot for your sacred key...

Six feet deep is the incision
In my heart, that barless prison
Discoulours all with tunnel vision
Sunsetter...
Nymphetamine
Sick and weak from my condition
This lust, this vampyric addiction
To Her alone in full submission
None better

Nymphetamine
Nymphetamine, Nymphetamine
Nymphetamine girl.
Nymphetamine, Nymphetamine
My Nymphetamine girl.

Wracked with your charm
I'm circled like prey
Back in the forest
Were whispers persuade
More sugar trails
More white lady laid
Than pillars of salt...
(Keeping Sodom at at bay)

Fold to my arms
Hold their mesmeric away
And dance out to the moon
As we did in those golden days

Christening stars
I remember the way
We were needle and spoon
Mislaid in the burning hay

Bared on your tomb
I'm a prayer for your loneliness
And would you ever soon
Come above unto me?
For once upon a time
From the bind of your holiness
I could always find the right slot for your sacred key

Six feet deep is the incision
In my heart, that barless prison
Discoulours all with tunnel vision
Sunsetter...
Nymphetamine
Sick and weak from my condition
This lust, this vampyric addiction
To Her alone in full submission
None better...
Nymphetamine
sunsetter
nymphetemine
nympheta, nymphetamine

Nymphetamine, Nymphetamine...
Nymphetamine girl.
Nymphetamine, Nymphetamine...
My Nymphetamine girl.

Read More...

Got a st00pid question?

Here are the answers.

Read More...

2011-06-14

It just had to be done...

The difference between giving up and letting go. Giving up is sacrificing what was rightfully yours, letting go is forgetting what was never yours.




Yeah, it's over now
But I can breathe somehow
When it's all worn out
I'd rather go without

You know its been on my mind
Could you stand right there
Look me straight in the eye and say
That it's over now

We pay our debt sometime

Well it's over now
Yet I can see somehow
When its all gone wrong
It's hard to be so strong

You know its been on my mind
Could you stand right there
Look me straight in the eye and say
That it's over now

We pay our debt sometime
We pay our debt sometime
We pay our debt sometime
We pay our debt sometime

Guess it's over now
I seem alive somehow
When it's out of sight
Just wait and do your time

You know its been on my mind
Could I stand right here
Look myself in the eye and say
That it's over now

We pay our debt sometime
Yeah, we pay our debt sometime
We pay our debt sometime
We pay our debt sometime
Read More...

I have it within me...

What was needed was done.
Probably the hardest of goodbye's I'd ever uttered.

Day 1 begins now...

I only hope I have it in me to keep it going. Read More...

2011-06-13

Un-frosted flakes...



"People so seldom say I love you and then it's either too late or love goes. So when I tell you I Love You, it doesn't mean I know you'll never go, only that I wish you didn't have to."

World English Dictionary defines 'flake' as an eccentric, crazy, or unreliable person. Whereas Urban Dictionary.com defines it as 'A useless, shady, deceitful person who is so unreliable and selfish they cause you much anger and frustration. A Flake's only agenda is what they want to do. They have a weak character, often the products of bad parenting/spoiling kids. A Flake will make plans, never attend, and give no reason for their absence, even after they spent hours calling, texting, or emailing you. Flakes try to manipulate everybody, and sometimes are not the idiots they appear to be. A Flake often has little to no real friends due to their erratic behavior. You can never rely on a Flake. When questioned about their behavior, a Flake just gives up on the relationship and moves on to another person. Flakes can't get by in the real world and often act immature beyond their years, causing them to be labeled as "useless" human beings.'

An example would be;

This girl called 15 times in one day and we decided to go out that night with some other friends. She arrives at the our meeting point, walks right by me like she doesn't know me, sits down with somebody else, and then proceeds to leave with them. Then, she stops answering her phone even though I know she sees my calls. A week or so later, she calls me again because she has nobody else to hang out with and wants to do something. However, she avoided all my phone calls for a week. Then she got mad when I confronted her about it. That's when I understood why people used to tell me she was "a useless flake" who still lives at home with her parents. When she was mentioned in a conversation someone always used the word "flake" in there somewhere.

Or how about something a little more personal;

We'd spent the entire weekend together. On the Sunday she says she's gonna drop by her friends place, but not for long, no more than 90mins or so. Course, 2hrs goes by and a txt is sent saying I'm on my way, cya soon. Shortly thereafter one is received saying no, not yet, that more time was needed. As she describes this friend as her cross-dressing-faggot-loser-friend-don't call me Roy call me Ang, I get a little suspicious. I never hear from her again that night. Ignores my calls, no response to my txt's. A txt is received the next morning saying she is stopping by on her way to work to grab her things...

The road was hard, the road was long. The struggle has always been how to reconcile our time together against our time apart.

In the end, in giving her one last opportunity she didn't surprise me in the least. And now I know with absolute certainty what a flake really is.

And that lesson I'll be carrying with me the remainder of my days.

'It was always mine anyways.'

Doesn't make this any less painful...

Sit down, take a look at yourself
Don't you want to be somebody
Someday somebody's gonna see inside
You have to face up, you can't run and hide...


Will you though?
Can you?

No, I finally accept that you cannot and that you are truly a lost soul.

I weep for your soul...
Read More...

Done!

With the countdown now less than 20 days, I've been 'sorting' thru sh*t. This weekend passed was probably the hardest of all. I'm glad it's over with now, and can finally be at peace.

Even if, as it now looks, we will never speak again.

Goodbye, My Love. xx Read More...

2011-06-11

:)

And so it is. Read More...

2011-06-10

...

Not all wanderers are lost.
:) Read More...

2011-06-08

She's my friend ociffer...

CP24 has reported that the OPP have charged a man driving in the HOV lanes with a blowup doll as his ride-along.

Ya, and, what is he doing with a blowup doll as his companion? Read More...

Simply because...

I love you and because I love you I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies. Read More...

2011-06-07

For you...

This poem is for you, and is, incredibly, written by someone with your name.

The Pain Shows

When I look into your eyes,
I see the pain you try to hide.
You try to be tough,
But the pain shows
The hurting,
And the suffering that this is causing you
The pain shows
Although you act as if nothing is wrong,
The pain shows
You try to be brave
But the pain shows
You try to hide the tears
But the pain shows
Who knew looking into your eyes would reveal so much pain

No matter how hard you try, you cannot hide it from me.
And I weep for you... My Love. Read More...

2011-06-06

Eyes left...

Notice the revised countdown... Read More...

She taught me how to dance...

Though the river flows
Gently to the sea
He was on the shore
Rooted like a tree
...
Though not anymore...
And for that I Will Always Love You.

Even if we never speak again...

Read More...

Always... NO MATTER WHAT

It's funny, but, as time goes on (nearing 2yrs now), a call/txt will go out to the other and we each will be there. It matters not the time of day/night, where you/I are, How long it's been since we've spoken... we each are there for the other.

There is random and then there is serendipity... fate... destiny.

Ask My Love, and I am there for you.

We simply need each other.

And what you ask of me;
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

As always...

Maybe we should stop looking for a reason and begin accepting that we simply are.

All you did was save my life.
And all I ask of you is to Just Breathe...

Read More...

2011-06-04

A swing and a...

Sometimes when we reach out for someone they shut us down.
Othertimes... worse. We're ignored and abandoned.
Sometimes however when we reach out for someone, they embrace us.
Sometimes who these people are surprise you.
And you will never, ever forget them for it.

Thank-you. Read More...

2011-06-03

This one...




This one is all for you 'dad'.
I cannot even shed a tear for you. Read More...

Hey...

The B.S. Meter
 
I know we don't speak anymore, but, I just want to thank-you for helping me fine-tune my Bulls**t meter. Seems it's something I'll always need, unfortunately.

Love ya girl! Read More...